Filter Coffee #019

On Tongue Twisters & Marriage

Hello Friends, thank you for your appreciation and feedback on what I covered in last week’s edition. Please continue to read and engage on these topics, I enjoy hearing from you!

👅 Tongue Twisters

Let’s start today on a fun note! I’m sure you have heard of Teachers’ Day, and Mothers’ Day, but do you know what makes November 8th special? It’s Tongue Twister Day. You may have seen an advertisement on the TV in which a guy under a shower is inviting people to send in their original tongue twister, which may win a prize if it measures up.

Almost all Indian languages have tongue twisters. Maybe you’ve heard of the one in the Hindi movie Namak Halal (1982): “Kachcha Papad, Pakka Papad”. There is one in Kannada which goes “Kappu Kumkuma, Kempu Kumkuma” The faster you are able to say it the better you are in control of your tongue. Some say it is good for the brain! 

The English language has plenty of tongue twisters to offer. Some of them, like, “She sells seashells on the seashore”, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood”, are relatively simple. However, there are more difficult ones out there. You may like to try memorising and repeating these two tough ones:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Betty Botter bought some butter, but the butter, it was bitter. If she put it in her batter, it would make her batter bitter, but a bit of better butter, that would make her batter better.

⚭ Marriages are made in Heaven

This English proverb probably originates from a French proverb from the early sixteenth century. This proverb states “Les mariages se font au Ciel”: marriages are made in heaven. Later it was expanded to read “Marriages are made in heaven but consummated on earth”. Skeptics rubbish this as absurdity  and the cynics may believe that the proverb was invented to endorse a holy matrimony, but the proverb simply implies that there is a divine intervention when two people meet and get married. 

In the Indian context matching the horoscopes was seen as a means of determining if the match had the support and blessings of the stars and the planets. Another way of testing if the proposed match had the blessings of heaven was to see if all the elders in the families of the groom and the bride endorsed the match. This endorsement could well be of both arranged and love marriages though the latter may not always be smooth sailing.

Lineage played a role, particularly among Hindus. By lineage, I mean the ‘Gotra’. The age-old belief that we are all descendants of a particular Rishi would decide the Gotra to which we belong — Bharadwaja, Koundinya, Harita, etc. Marriage within the same Gotra (also sagotra or sapinda) is not encouraged and is considered consanguineous as both the groom to be and the bride to be are considered descendants of the same Rishi. Here again, the skeptics question the existence of such a lineage and the cynics would say it is a rule of avoidance.

There is no assurance that an arranged marriage will be a roaring success and there is no reason to believe that a love marriage is doomed to be a failure. In fact, there are success stories and dismal tales in both forms of marriage. The popular adages ‘love first, marry later’ and ‘marry first love later’ are indicative of individual preferences. I remember seeing a video clip in which young men and women were asked “Which is better, love marriage or arranged marriage?”. I thought the majority would prefer a love marriage, but when probed, some of the respondents clarified that they would want to marry someone they liked but with the approval of the family. Runaway couples are not uncommon, but if they are not emotionally strong and are unable to brave the familial tensions, their relationship could come under strain. This is very pronounced in the case of inter-caste or inter-faith marriages when both the families are opposed to the marriage,

I have seen many successful and not-so-successful marriages both within my family and among others. In my generation, the wife suffered silently in some marriages and even put on a facade of normalcy. In many others, it was pretty much on an even keel. In certain others, the wife was the dominating partner. Ultimately, besides love, it was compatibility that played out most strongly.

Here, I am not referring to just the emotional and behavioural aspects, though they are relevant. I have seen intellectual incompatibility, envious disposition, economic dependency putting the marriage under strain. It is not as if they are impossible to overcome. Early recourse to counselling will help stem any distrust or discordance that looms large over the matrimonial home. Counselling helps people see the problem from a bilateral perspective rather than view it as adversarial. If both are strong-headed and unrelenting, the problems magnify themselves and so, they must not hesitate to take recourse to counselling.

Another reason for a marriage to thrive or wilt is the joint family system. Many women love to set up their own homes and want to be able to enjoy matrimony without being inhibited by people around them. Recently, a couple that I know well decided to leave the joint family household as it had become stifling — particularly for the wife — not only in terms of spousal privacy but also due to the overbearing presence of the in-laws. Yet, in another instance, a girl was fortunate to get caring in-laws who provide her that invaluable family support and tends to her kids when she goes to work. This is again a matter of adjustments and compatibility. One of the reasons that families are increasingly going nuclear is that managing emotions in a joint family can be a challenge. But if people are tolerant, understanding and respectful of others’ preferences on all sides, it can be done. My wife once told me that a girl once asked the boy who proposed to her, “Are your parents in the hall or on the wall?” That sounded terrible but the girl perhaps was making it clear that she can’t be moving in and living with his parents!

There are other things that can spoil a marriage, for example, the doubly backward belief that the wife is to blame for not producing a male child (without realizing that failure to produce the Y chromosome would be his physiological “failure”, if anyone’s). Alcoholism, drugs, and of course adulterous behaviour can disintegrate a family, and in most cases, the wife is at the receiving end. The dissolution of marriages is on the rise, in relative terms. 

Family courts are getting busier by the day dealing with maintenance claims, judicial separations, and worst of all, custody battles. However, there are many success stories of counselling and mediation putting the marriage back on track. There are also instances when both parties displayed a great deal of maturity and parted ways amicably through divorce by mutual consent.

Whilst on the subject of marriage, on November 19th, the Delhi High Court will take up for consideration a petition filed by two Hindu men that they should be allowed to marry and they rely on Sec.5 of the Hindu Marriage Act 1955. They contend that there is nothing in the Hindu Marriage Act which requires that marriage should take place only between a Hindu man and a Hindu woman and that Section 5 clearly says that marriage can be performed between 'any two Hindus'. It would be interesting to see how the court determines their claim. 

Speaking for myself I think of the five conditions in Sec. 5 the following could pose a problem (iii) the bridegroom has completed the age of eighteen years and the bride the age of fifteen years at the time of the marriage;

Leaving behind these matrimonial tidings, let me now emphasise the importance of registering the marriage. I remember a case where the wife was to join the husband in the US and they had not registered their marriage. To prove the factum of marriage, she had to produce a wedding invitation, photographs of the wedding and sworn affidavits of both parents. To add to the problem, the girl had been born at home, and her birth had not been registered. She had to go through a very laborious process to get all this sorted to be able to apply for the passport and eventually for getting the visa.

Hindu Marriage Act of 1955. Sec 8. Registration of Hindu marriages

For the purpose of facilitating the proof of Hindu marriages, every State Government makes rules for maintaining a Hindu Marriage Register and all the details relating to a marriage are entered in that Register based on which a certificate is issued. This provision enables registration of a Hindu Marriage even after it has been performed. 

Special Marriage Act 1954, provides for what is understood to be a “Registered Marriage”. Section 3 creates the office of “Marriage Officers” and Sec. 4 deals with solemnisation of special marriages. Persons belonging to any community or caste can marry each other under this Act.

Like Sec.5 of the Hindu Marriage Act mentions “any two Hindus” this Section also mentions “any two persons” but Sec 4.(c) prescribes: “the male has completed the age of twenty-one years and female the age of eighteen years;”  So, same-sex marriages are not, at least for now, permitted to be registered under the Special Marriage Act either. This is the legal position until the Supreme Court decides the issue otherwise.

Registration of marriages between two persons (other than two Hindus) may be registered under the Special Marriage Act but only after following certain procedures such as publication, and a waiting period for receiving objections if any. Recently there have been objections raised over publication as it would violate personal privacy. But it is unlikely that the procedure will be dispensed with as it is intended to prevent surreptitious second marriages during the subsistence of the first or forced marriages.

Whilst the Hindu marriage is considered a sacrament, the marriage of two people belonging to different religions under the Special Marriage Act is considered a civil contract. Though technically two Hindus are also eligible to get married under the Special Marriage Act, given the rituals involved, a Hindu Marriage is first conducted and then registered under the Hindu Marriage Act.

I will conclude this discussion for now but will be happy to respond to any comments or questions which you may please post here!

🤣 Have a laugh

1. When asked, “Why don’t you marry?”
   Smart Alec said: “Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering”.

2. Soon after he was married, the husband who was quite a ladies man before, stopped wearing his wedding ring.
   "Why don't you ever wear your ring?" the wife asked.
   "It cuts off my circulation," he replied.
   The wife was quick to say: "It's supposed to."

3. When asked, “What's the difference between love and marriage?” 
   Smart Alec said, “ Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!”

 Bye for now, we’ll meet again next week! Meanwhile, please stay wedded to your mask 😷