Filter Coffee #037

On the Women in our Lives

Dear Readers,

I am delighted that you did not forget to leave your compliments on the ‘Forgive and Forget’ piece in 🔗 FC #36. There were several good comments as well. 

My friend Tarun Kunzru says “Wounds inflicted by harsh words will heal but the scar remains. So, pick your words carefully even if you are really upset.” Well said TK; I quite agree with you. I would add: “If you plan to use bitter words, think — you never know when you have to eat them.”

Another reader, Yoshita, made this interesting observation: “Forgive & Forget is easy to follow in personal relations as a willingness to let go is much higher, but difficult to apply the same doctrine in professional relations sometimes!” What she said made me reflect on why in a familial context we may find it easier to forgive than in a professional context. I reasoned by attributing it to love and emotion being the primary connection in a family situation whereas a professional set up is more transactional.

🔗 FC #35 on Punctuation was well received. The following sentence posted by Murali is duly punctuated:

Is, is not not. Not is not is. Is is is. Not is not. Is it not?

Please read it carefully and you will appreciate the punctuation.

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♀ International Women's Day

This edition is dedicated to women. International Women’s Day was celebrated on the 8th of March. It would be appropriate to go back in time and trace the origin of this celebration.

1908: Oppression and inequality was spurring women to become more vocal and active in campaigning for change. Then in 1908, 15,000 women marched through New York City demanding shorter hours, better pay and voting rights.

1909: The first National Woman's Day was observed across the United States on February 28. It was celebrated on the last Sunday of February until 1913. March 8 was then chosen as it marks the day when women in Soviet Russia started protests for the right to vote which they were granted in 1917. 

1975: International Women's Day was celebrated for the first time by the United Nations in 1975. Then in December 1977, the General Assembly adopted a resolution proclaiming a United Nations Day for Women’s Rights and International Peace to be observed on any day of the year by Member States, in accordance with their historical and national traditions. India chose to celebrate National Women’s Day every year on 13th February, the date of birth of Sarojini Naidu.

2011: saw the centenary of International Women's Day — with the first IWD event held exactly 100 years ago in 1911. President Barack Obama proclaimed March 2011 to be "Women's History Month", calling Americans to mark IWD by reflecting on "the extraordinary accomplishments of women" in shaping the country's history. 

The theme of this year’s IWD is “Choose to Challenge”.

A challenged world is an alert world. Individually, we're all responsible for our own thoughts and actions — all day, every day. We can all choose to challenge and call out gender bias and inequality. We can all choose to seek out and celebrate women's achievements. Collectively, we can all help create an inclusive world. From challenge comes change, so let's all choose to challenge. 

👩🏽 The Women in Our Lives

I am sure all of us, men and women alike, have experienced the influence of women in our lives. Starting with the famous adage, “God could not be with everyone and so he created mothers”, we can look back and realise how much of our character, behaviour and destiny have been moulded by our mothers and the other women in our lives.

Let me share my experiences and I am sure they will in some way resonate with your own experiences.

In a big joint family in Mysuru (I was too young to count beyond twenty) with so many elders and kids living together, there was an unwritten rule about shared responsibilities. My mother (aka the Home Minister) would be in control of the domestic affairs, the finances, the kitchen and even ‘external family matters’. She was not given to fussing over the children. For her, strength of character came from resilience. Even if we went to her complaining about an ache or hurt, she would say “go pour some cold water on it” or if it was an open wound she would say “apply some turmeric, it will be alright.” Toddlers were encouraged to eat by themselves and she would say it is good for immunity if the child ate not what is on the plate but what is around it on the ground. She delivered babies in the house and helped other households with their deliveries as well. ‘Home delivery’ was the norm then. She had knowledge about several kinds of native medicines. She lived life on her own terms and lived fiercely independent until the age of 93 when she passed away. She was like a banyan tree and everyone was welcome to rest in her shadow and eat whatever frugal meal she could offer. She embodied the spirit and empowerment of women in the bygone era when women were considered weak and were subjected to male domination. I’m sure many of my readers’ mothers symbolised strength, resolve and love.

Another woman because of whom I am able to walk was my maternal aunt who had a bad marriage and was a grass widow. When I was in 9th grade, I had a cycling accident and sustained injuries on my right foot serious enough to draw concerns that I would lose it. The public hospital facilities in what was then Mysore City were woefully abysmal, and the only space I could get was a bed on the floor in the verandah. For more than 6 weeks my aunt did not leave my side. She used to curl up on the ground next to my bed at night and woke up even if I gently moaned with pain. She had the great knack of connecting with people and she managed to get permission from someone in the ‘special ward’ with an attached bath and she used to literally carry me to that clean bathroom and help me bathe. Her resolve to get me cured, to make me walk again and her selfless service to my well being has left an indelible mark in me and that perhaps explains why I have become a feminist at heart and why I unhesitatingly help people in distress. It is a quality that my father, mother and later my aunt ingrained in me.

My sister, who lived in Mumbai, is another woman in my life who ‘mothered’ me when I took up a job in between my B.Sc and LLB. Living in Mumbai is like being on an army training ground. There’s a kind of discipline that you need to follow to survive. My sister and my brother-in-law took me under their wings and that phase of my life when I ‘grew up’ is due entirely to my sister, who looked after me in every imaginable respect and encouraged me to wade through the hustle-bustle of Mumbai and emerge as a stronger and more street-smart person.

I returned to Mysore to join the law college and developed a strong friendship with my dear friend Ashvini Ranjan. A friendship that seems to get stronger by the day, even now. When we were in the third year of the law course, he said he and his friends were planning a comedy-drama and thought I could have a role in it. He introduced me to a lady doctor and her two young daughters. Even today, I count my blessings and thank Ashvin for making that introduction. The lady doctor who later became my mother-in-law treated me like her own son (much to the envy of her own two daughters the elder of whom is now my dearest wife of decades). I was like an unchiseled block of stone, lacking polish, appearance and with lots of rough edges. She would sit with me late into the night and help me make notes for my final law examination and encourage me to study hard. I was always an average student when I was in the science stream. I found my comfort zone when I joined the law college but was lacking the yen to top the grades. My mother-in-law (God bless her soul) shaped my destiny and the day I passed Law with distinction and bagged a few medals, her joy knew no bounds. My father, who was very fond of her, told me that I owe my success to her. What a woman she was! Even after I married her daughter, she continued to nudge me to excel in whatever I did. She was a doctor, singer, artist and had a great sense of humour. I remember a PJ she cracked when I was just an acquaintance. She asked me “what goes zzub, zzub, zzub, zzub?’ When I said I did not know. She laughed and said, “A bee flying backwards”! 🐝

The other woman who was and is my four-pillar support is my wife. I consider myself fortunate to have met her (Thank you Ashvin, once again). She stood by me through good, bad and testing times. She took on the responsibility of bringing up my daughter and son both of whom hold her in high esteem and thank her for making them achievers in their own fields. I was so engrossed in my work and travelling that she parented them single-handedly. For the entire duration of my children’s school life, I attended one PTA meeting of my son. My wife is very passionate about teaching hearing-impaired children. For over 35 years she has been empowering the mothers of those children to take firm control over the situation, brave all hardships and help their hearing-impaired children successfully integrate into society. She knits, cooks outstandingly, runs the house like a tight ship, plays the piano, reads fiction and non-fiction with gusto and is very compassionate towards the needy. Now that children are running their own lives far away from us, we are in an empty nest but one task that my wife hasn’t given up on is ‘bringing up husband’. Even today she corrects my die-hard English accent and encourages me to read something other than law. She is my confidant. Other than attorney-client privileged information, I share with her anything that troubles me and it is amazing how she reasons out and makes me feel at ease. Now, do you know how important a woman she is in my life?

I have spoken about my mother, my aunt, my sister, my mother-in-law and my wife only to demonstrate the fact that it is the women in your life that shape your destiny, mould your character, enthuse you to aim high, and stand by you during challenging times. Above all, they are the best counsellors you can ever hope to get if only you are willing to listen.

I salute each one of them and writing about them is my way of letting them know that but for them, I might have been pushing carts and not the pen that I hold now. I doff my hat to all women who in their own way make this world a better place to be in.

Please feel free to share your own experiences of the women who made you what you are today. Thank you for letting me share mine. Take care and be safe! See you next week.