Filter Coffee #058
On Friendship, Love & Affection
Dear Readers,
Blue provoked a host of reactions from my readers. Without naming anyone specific, let me share with you what I learnt from your comments:
Both Neptune and Earth are referred to as the Blue Planets. The water on earth gives it a blue colour and Neptune gets the shade from frozen methane.
To be beaten ‘black & blue’ is a common idiom.
Blue Danube is the river that flows through ten countries in Europe. It is also the name of the unofficial national anthem of Austria.
Blue Book gives the pecking order of VIPs.
Monday Blues are well known but people working from home are having the blues not just on Mondays.
Blue Chip originated from the ‘blue disk’ in poker, which has the highest value. Oliver Gingold, who worked at Dow Jones, coined the phrase ‘Blue Chip’ in 1923. Gingold noticed that several stocks traded at $200 or more per share. He called them ‘Blue Chip Stocks’.
Bluetooth’ was named after King Harald “Bluetooth” Gormsson who was well known for uniting Denmark and Norway in 958. His dead tooth, which was a dark blue/grey colour, earned him the nickname Bluetooth. Just as the King united Scandinavia, Bluetooth was intended to unite the PC and other cellular services.
The Blue Whale is the largest living mammal.
‘Cordon bleu’ was originally a wide blue ribbon worn by members of the highest order of knighthood. The term has since been applied to food prepared to a very high standard by outstanding cooks.
Shashi Maudgal encourages me to write about other colours like red, yellow and green. Will do Shashi.
August 8th marks the birthday of one of my favourites: Roger Federer, the Tennis Legend. Federer is known for his grit and determination to win without being aggressive. His modesty and humility are worthy of emulation by any sportsperson.
🧡 Friendship, Love and Affection
My dear friend Shyam from Hyderabad wanted me to write on friendship, love and affection, but I was not sure if I am qualified enough to discuss the range of feelings and emotions these involve. I then thought, “Why not draw on my own understanding of these feelings and emotions?” So, here we go.
Love and affection appear synonymous but differ from each other in some ways. Dictionaries define love as ‘a strong feeling of affection’ and define affection as ‘a feeling of liking or caring’. However, both love and affection are not just words; they represent distinct feelings and emotions. I am inclined to believe that love is a much stronger feeling than affection. Also, love is relatable to both animate and inanimate subjects whereas affection is invariably related to animate subjects.
The ancient Greek classified love into four distinct types - Storge, Phileo, Eros and Agape.
Storge typified the love we have for our family and relatives
Phileo referred to the platonic love (apparently named after Greek philosopher Plato)
Eros represented passionate love as between lovers
Agape refers to pure and ideal love that we have for our children, parents, siblings
It is possible that there may be some overlaps. You may have the agape kind of love for a relative because of your closeness to that relative. You may have a platonic love for a cousin who has always lived far away but has bonded with you in some ways. These are not, therefore, compartments of love. Proximity, relationship, familiarity and frequent interaction may influence the kind of love or affection you have for someone.
Agape and eros may involve similar ranges of feelings like caring and warmth but they do differ in some sense. Agape, like the love for your kid, would involve kindness and protectiveness whereas Eros, as between lovers, has elements of desire and attraction.
Affection is less intense as compared to love. Caring and liking underscore affection.
Affection does not lend itself to romantic feelings as love would. Interestingly, it is believed that if you love someone you also feel affection for that person but not the other way round.
You may feel affectionate towards someone but not love that person. When you end a letter with ‘affectionately’ or ‘lovingly’ you would know. The famous saying ‘love thy neighbour’ hardly expects you to love that person but suggests that you maintain a cordial relationship.
What does one infer when someone says “I love that place” or “I love ice cream” or “I love picnics”? Love in this context is the intense liking a person has for a particular thing or activity which is inanimate. What about “I love Shah Rukh”? Is it an expression of admiration or infatuation or is it just a crush? It could be any of these, but it is neither love nor affection in the true sense. You can read more about the differences between love and affection here.
Friendship is normally considered to be Phileo, meaning platonic love. Acquaintence should not be mistaken for friendship. It is transient but may morph into friendship if the concerned individuals interact and get to know each other better. Friendship is a very strong bond and yet delicate. It requires nurturing and should not be taken advantage of. You must choose your friends carefully. Ziad K. Abdelnour, a Lebanese born American Investment Banker says “You have three types of friends in life: friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.” While the first two categories could be termed as ‘fair weather friends’ the third category is what one should wish for.
Shyam and I have known each other since the late 60s. We both met at the Army recruitment centre on Cubbon Road, Bangalore. I went with the hope of landing a job in the Army like my uncle who served in the Army. Shyam came from a more affluent background. His brother was the health minister of the undivided state of AP. Patriotism overwhelmed us and we both opted for a short service commission in the Army.
We spent no more than a week together but we took an instant liking to each other as we had so many things in common. We passed the first two rounds of the aptitude test and written test and we both passed. The physical endurance and obstacle tests proved to be our nemesis.
In one such test, we had to run 50 meters, climb a wall, jump over, run another 50 meters, climb a tree and then wriggle through a tyre hanging by the branch and run another 50 meters. The sergeant with a stopwatch was timing everyone. Shyam and I had the alphabetic advantage and so we watched in awe the performance of some of the guys who attempted the obstacle race ahead of us and succeeded as well!
As our turn approached we both were super confident that we could get over the wall and cross the hurdles. I was wrong. I ran 50 meters towards the wall which now seemed taller than before. I tried climbing the wall, gave up and went around it, ran to the tree and managed to climb onto the branch from which the tyre was hanging. The tyre had a mood swing and would not just let me get in and wriggle through. It let me down literally and I picked myself up from mother earth and ran to the finishing line. The sergeant found my performance very entertaining and quipped that I would have been dead four times by the time I got to the finishing line.
When Shyam’s turn came, he out-performed me in the sense that he managed to climb the wall but on the other side he decided to emulate me like a true and compassionate friend. He too faced a very uncooperative tyre that swung wildly leaving him with no option but to jump onto the ground and run to the finishing line.
Well, we both were shown the same door and we walked out together with our arms around each other wondering why brawn is more important than the brain! We never thought a failed attempt at serving the country would bind us like Fevicol.
We continued to interact all through the various stages of our lives. We wrote letters and kept in constant touch though we could not meet frequently. Yet we are thick as thieves, even today. As an anonymous quote goes: “We’ve been friends for so long I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
I am sure many of our readers have such stories of friendship to share. Please write and tell us. The pandemic is still making waves. Please be careful. If you value your friendship, protect your friends by maintaining a safe distance.
Let me end with a quote by Mark Twain:
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see I have friends in both places.”
See you next week!
Dear Pras,
You dwell and weave so well into the lanes and by lanes of the abstract. Gifted to say the least. Words like love, affection and friendship are often used loosely without paying much heed to the implication of the words. What distinguishes one from the other is the unsaid chemistry between two individuals. A touch can convey all the three feelings depending upon the vibes at that moment. Sometimes with serious consequence !
But my love for Filter Coffee is constant.
The subject chosen by Pras for the week is unique.
I had an interesting experience during the basic training at the Cochin Naval Base. Towards the end of the course we had to qualify the survival test. It consisted of swimming with full action dress including shoes and backpack and floating for five minutes. During the practice I could qualify for the former but not the latter. Fortunately for me the test was conducted at Malabar Hotel swimming pool where water is filtered sea water. The sea water saved my career in the Navy.
Pras has mentioned about four types of love; but few others come to my mind which do not fall into any of the four categories such as the love of the Narcissist, the one who loves own voice and universally recognised love of Mother Theresa for the poor and suffering. I have also witnessed two admirals whose first love was Navy. Admiral Stan Dawson who was a bachelor and the one and only one Admiral Roney Pereira who had no children, both from Bangalore.
I thank Pras for getting me back to basics to identify subtle differences between words used in the same sense.