Dear Readers,
Thank you for sharing your comments as well as your own experiences on ‘Think Before You Speak’. I would like to mention a few of them here:
Shashi Maudgal says: “A very useful write-up indeed. My frequent advice to young people has been to tighten the Brain-Tongue Connection. I ask them to visualize picking up a screwdriver and using it to turn this imaginary screw before they speak. We are good thinkers, but with a loose connection to the tongue. We will make progress as communicators if we keep this virtual screwdriver handy. As you near the FC century, your stroke-play remains as fluent as ever, Pras. No nervous nineties. Keep it up!”
Tarun Kunzru says: “Agree, Pras! It's a good idea to ‘aim before you shoot’. ‘Shoot and then aim’ is a recipe for disaster.”
Peter Torre, from Perth, says: “The ancient sages recommended a 3-gate test when determining whether one should speak. They would only speak if the words passed without fail through the 3 gates. At the first gate, they would ask themselves “are these words truthful”, if so the words could then pass on to the second gate. At the second gate, they asked themselves “are these words necessary”, if so they would then pass on to the third gate, where they would ask, “are these words kind”?. If so, only then would the words leave their lips and be sent out into the world.”
Dr. Naina says: “Many think it’s a virtue to speak out their hearts when emotionally charged, but don’t realise that ‘Silence is golden and speech is silver’. But alas, their outbursts have made them lose many valuable relations and friends!”
Elder citizen S C Krishnan gives sage advice: “Filter your thoughts before expressing them in words”
Prabha Prasad gives the French version: “Pensez anat de parler.” She is reminded of Shri Atal Bihari Vajpayee who used to pause while speaking as if he was thinking before speaking.
I am posting this on May 1st which has its own significance. I have elaborated on this in my post published on May 2nd, 2021. Urge you to please visit FC 44.
☁ Loneliness & Solitude
Are these two words synonymous? It may appear so to some, but in reality, they are different.
Loneliness is a state of being alone. It may be accompanied by sadness. It may also be the choice of an individual to isolate himself under certain circumstances. One can experience loneliness while still being among people, either because they are ignored by others around them, or due to their own preference to be an introvert.
Loneliness could be a result of unhappiness or depression, or a lack of connection or communication with others around that person. The expression ‘loner’ should not be mistaken for a person who is in a state of loneliness. ‘Loner’ actually means a person who by choice and of his own volition prefers to keep to himself and avoids the company of others.
Solitude is the state of being alone, especially when it is peaceful and pleasant. In other words, it is the state of being alone, but without feeling lonely. It is a positive state of mind, which allows time for yourself. To some extent, a ‘loner’ may be considered a person who prefers solitude.
German-American Philosopher Paul Tillich says: “Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”
If this statement is to be believed, loneliness could be painful to endure, whereas solitude is about being at peace with oneself or experiencing a sense of solace. Being alone by itself is not to be confused with loneliness, which has an ingredient of isolation or withdrawal. Some might call this ‘social isolation’, meaning a person has no social network or is unwilling to be drawn into a societal setup. Such a person prefers to keep to himself and makes no effort to reach out to people. It is also believed that loneliness is a negative state of mind. I think the emphasis is really on ‘state of mind’.
It is not uncommon for someone to be excluded from the company of their peers, which can lead to loneliness if one does not introspect and identify the reason for that exclusion. Some people are hypersensitive to such incidents, even if it is a one-off situation or case-specific. Let us consider a scenario. You belong to a group of friends, and you come to know the following day that they all hung out in a bar and chatted over a pint of beer. They did not inform you of their outing with the honest belief that you are a teetotaller and your parents don’t like you to have late nights. You have the choice of accepting the explanation or failing to recognize the rationale and psyching yourself into believing that you are being isolated by your friends. You may then go on to resent your parents for having put a curfew on you.
Peer pressure also has a role to play. If you cannot afford to spend the kind of money your friends would, you prefer to not confess to that inability but give some other reason and excuse yourself. But then, if you don’t come to terms with reality but continue to unjustly feel excluded, then you are likely to experience loneliness, even if it is transient.
Solitude, as the term would indicate, is the state of being by yourself through conscious choice.
You enjoy the solitude and the chance to do something without interruptions. Like reading a book, attending to the garden, walking your dog — any activity that you enjoy alone without feeling lonely. As opposed to the negativity associated with loneliness, solitude has positivity around it. There’s a kind of energy in solitude that elevates your mood, as opposed to loneliness, which could leave you mentally sapped. I sometimes prefer to play golf all by myself and try to play at my pace while trying to correct my mistakes without someone having to point them out to me.
The western expression ‘give me some space’ has become part of our lingo as well. The ‘space’ is nothing but a form of solitude that enables you to do your own thing. It is like someone asking to be left alone. English is a funny language — if you are in solitude, you can’t be saying I am spaced out!
If a person is in pursuit of solitude, does it make him a loner? Like I said before, a loner is a person who prefers, of his own will and accord, to be by himself pursuing his passion. In a business context, too, we come across loners who prefer to do things by themselves and not be part of a team. A scientist in the R&D department might be a loner who passionately pursues his experiments to discover something new and is loath to share any information on what he does. In that sense, he is a positive loner.
Emotional loneliness may manifest in older people who have lost their life-companion, forcing them to live alone even if they are able to afford the comforts of life. Such loneliness may be blunted a bit if they are surrounded by people who love them and care for them. We have also seen many cases where old people after bereavement have pulled themselves out and have taken part in various activities. This can be seen in various retirement communities, where the ecosystem is conducive to people supporting each other and helping people to overcome the pain of bereavement.
There is a physical dimension to reckon with when we talk of loneliness and solitude.
One can feel lonely even when in a crowd or among his own friends and relatives. But to truly enjoy solitude, one has to be physically isolated and be at a place where the person wants to be to do what he or she likes.
Meditation is typically an aspect of solitude. Very simply put, you are looking at yourself and are in deep contemplation of what you are, who you are and what you want to be.
So in essence, both solitude and loneliness refer to the state of being alone. However, loneliness is, more often than not, a negative state where the person feels unhappy because of his or her physical or mental isolation from others. However, solitude is also a state of being alone but without any feeling of loneliness, leading to a positive state of mind. There lies the difference between solitude and loneliness.
But there is a school of thought which holds the view that the balance between solitude and loneliness is a knife’s edge. There is no sure-fire way to tell the two apart. Solitude is often a chosen state, while loneliness is forced. I am giving you all plenty to think about in solitude without feeling lonely :)
Dear Readers, during the pandemic many have felt lonely confined to their homes and many have ventured out in pursuit of solitude. It is a matter of choice. But there is no choice but to keep the mask on, given the fear of the fourth wave looming large. Take care! See you next week.
Reminds me of a powerful quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson's 'Self Reliance':
“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
Solitude is something one wants to go into whereas loneliness is something you want to come out of.