From Atlanta GA
Hello, my dear readers, thank you for your kind words of appreciation of FC #102. I have received some interesting comments as well.
Chaya from Australia says: “We too had many shoe drops in our life. But then, each such instance has strengthened our resolve to face the situation with confidence and resilience.”
Soumya Sivaraj says: “Thank you for sharing the family tree link. It will be helpful for my 11-year-old daughter. I remember the many shoes that had dropped in my life, and God gave me the courage to deal with each of them. Every day, I expect another shoe to drop, but I constantly brace myself to deal with it.”
Soumya, My grandaughter too has undertaken the family tree project
Tarun Kunzru sums it up: “There’s a thin line between ‘fear of the future’ and ‘pre-emptive caution’. It's key that we don't throw 'caution to the wind'. The Covid situation today exemplifies this.”
Lynn Weiss from Washington DC says: “The politics in the US certainly has us fearing when the other shoe might drop as our democracy seems to be so fragile at this moment.”
Shahji says: “I remember my grandkids in the US running around on the wooden floor and making me apprehensive of the neighbour complaining. I ask my grandkids not to run around even in India and make noise, though most floors here are of concrete. The shoe I fear is the neighbours knocking on the door. I had not heard of this idiom, but now I can relate it to instances in my life that occurred unexpectedly.”
🤝 Zone Of Possible Agreement (ZOPA)
In every household, in every walk of life, in every business and in every conversation, disagreements feature in different hues and shades. Some disagreements are benign and some are violent. Regardless of the nature of disagreement, what remains on the table is a kind of impasse.
So how do we break the impasse, or better still, avoid an impasse by exploring certain options or alternatives that would help bridge the disagreement gap? Can we strike a middle path when there are two very divergent views? Is consensus building desirable but a challenging option?
A one-on-one case of disagreement seems less difficult to resolve, but the process can be daunting. We are all familiar with a range of disagreements that can be found across families, which involve the parents or grandparents and the younger kids on television time, playing video games, using the iPad or smartphone, or for that matter eating while watching. How does one deal with this situation? How do we help them to overcome peer pressure? Do we just put our foot down and refuse to let the kid do what they want to do, or are we going to find some work around and come to some agreement on when and for how long they can have that free time? Or are we going to concede the free time in return for the kid doing something like homework, cleaning up the room or finishing the food on their plate?
How do you deal with the situation when, as mother, you are stern with the kid but the father intervenes, much to your annoyance, asking you to let the kids do what they want? Is the father playing the popularity game, considering that 3 or 4 days a week he is out travelling and feels compelled to do what it takes to be in the good books of the kids? What if the grandparents dissuade the mother from being ‘harsh on the kids’. You as the mother are now distraught as the disagreement on free time takes different dimensions. Can there be a ZOPA on this free time? There are no finite solutions to these disagreements. I have been through such situations myself, and the solutions that I offered were quickly discarded disapprovingly by my wife.
There are differing views on how parents can deal with this situation. One view is that the free time should not be a reward for doing something, and that a quid pro quo approach is not conducive to inculcating a sense of discipline and responsibility in children. Reciprocity is not always the best way to deal with such disagreements. It is like a trade-off. I have come across young parents who dealt with the free time issue differently. They realised that time spent in front of TV or with another gadget could be conveniently factored into the overall free time the kids can have. So, they hit upon the idea of sequencing the activities, shorn of any conditionality. The kids were told that they could have free time, say from 4.30 to 6.30 on weekdays, consisting of one hour of outdoor activity like cycling or any other sport and one hour of TV time. On weekends there will be family activities like a picnic, watching a movie together, playing board games etc. This arrangement became the ZOPA among all concerned.
In any given situation, there is a ZOPA. It needs to be explored with sincerity and to maintain harmony. Disagreement between a landlord and a tenant on the terms of lease can lead to a stand-off. The landlord digs in his heels under the notion that there are others who may agree to his terms. The tenant too has other options. The broker who is keen to close the deal and collect his fee offers creative options. As a result, the various aspects of the lease like tenure, lock-in period, deposit, rent etc are used as trade-offs and a ZOPA emerges.
The much acclaimed mediator Laila Ollapally (I featured her in FC #005 and urge you to take a look) has always been of the view that parties who are capable of having a dispute are equally capable of resolving it. All that is needed is a neutral person to help them realise the potential benefits of arriving at a ZOPA, which leads to a settlement. She advocates mediation not just in business disputes, but also in family disputes.
ZOPA is a tool used extensively during negotiations to help parties reach an agreement on various aspects over which they had disagreement. In our ordinary life, we have to deal with disagreements in our own innovative ways. We should also be prepared to accept that some disagreements may appear irreconcilable. A girl wanting to marry a boy of her choice, a son wanting to set up home and leave the parent’s house, and so on. But when you reflect and rationalise you realise that you wanted to impose a boy of your choice on the girl with whom the girl, and not you, will have to spend the rest of her life. Similarly, the son moving out may be seen as his effort to have his own space and not impose himself and his family on you. There are reasons for everything if one looks for them with an open mind.
Family feuds are also products of disagreements, but not always irreconcilable. If at the first sight of a fissure we were to deal with the matter, further aggravation or exacerbation of the divergence of views can be reigned in. Of course this is easier said than done, but try one must, to ensure that the factions remain amicably disposed than inimically.
There are no set rules for resolving a disagreement among family members. In fact, resolution may elude all concerned if they are obstinate and refuse to adopt a diagnostic approach. In most cases a well-wisher who is called to mediate will, in his own way, draw the attention of the parties to the after effects of entrenchment of the disagreement, and how all concerned must sit together with the earnest intention of listening with an open mind and understanding the differing views. They should do a deep dive into the feelings, emotions and the true intentions of the parties. The entire process seems formidable, but it is worth every minute spent. An elder who enjoys the trust of both sides can play a role in helping them bridge the disagreement gap. It may not always result in a win-win situation but at least it will be a win-some, lose-some situation, leading to a ZOPA for resolving the disputes.
Dear Readers, all of us have the ability to find a ZOPA to resolve our family and business disputes. It is our will and resolve to preserve relationships that should drive us in the direction of that ZOPA. Marathi word झोपा is phonetically similar to ‘ZOPA’ and it means ‘to sleep’ and so, sleeping over a disagreement may well be a good beginning.
Are we agreed on that? Cheers!
Thank you Shahji for your keen observations. I liked your pointing out how kids conveniently develop an appetite when they are hungry for screen time !
As always an interesting pick of subject. In the case of parents disciplining children and finding the ZOPA, I have seen a remarkable example with impressive results. Parents demonstrate by living rule themselves. More importantly, disciplining is supported by explaining the pros and cons of the rules. Children put your resolve to test. Should you pass, you achieve the Zone of Possible Agreement. Pleas note, this is the time Grand Parents should become health conscious and go for a walk !
And then you have things like ego, pride, jealousy, one-upmanship which sends ‘ googlies’ and hinders reaching ZOPA. It makes the mediator’s job that much more difficult. No wonder not all can be Laila Ollpallys !!