Filter Coffee #158

On Never Complain, Never Explain

There were some interesting comments on FC 157:

• Tarun Kunzru said: “As rightly pointed out, the starting point is being objective and true to yourself. Take constructive feedback. Only then will the world be an oyster. Or else, one could end up in a mere shell.”

• KBR Murthy was kind enough to say: “Practical wisdom nicely articulated.”

• Shereyar Vakil says: “Dear Pras, you have an uncanny knack for diving deep in the deep blue sea and picking up the oyster which holds the pearls—brilliant article… looking forward to receiving more pearls each week.” 

🗨 Never Complain, Never Explain

It is believed that this little maxim was first coined by the British politician and prime minister Benjamin Disraeli. 

It has its roots in one of the Maxims for a Statesman by Benjamin Jowett, the Master of Balliol College, Oxford, written between 1873-76. This maxim was  “never quarrel, never explain, never hate, never fret, never fail”. Jowett was an extremely learned man, and he had the higher merit of interpreting ideas. So much so there was this rhyme about him:

Here come I, my name is Jowett.

All there is to know I know it.

I am a Master of this College,

What I don't know isn't knowledge!

‘Never complain, never explain’ became the motto of the British royal family. It is believed that it became particularly associated with Queen Elizabeth II, and was perceived as crucial to the success of her long reign. Despite all the family dramas that unfolded before her, she maintained a stoic stance to protect her privacy. The maxim was seen as a PR strategy to not take cognisance of intrusive and inquisitive questioning, but to keep them at bay.

Subsequent events have revealed that the royal family ignored this maxim and opened the floodgates for questions, public comments and other trivia. In 1990 Price Charles, as he then was, authorised a biography and in 1992, Diana, Her True Story was published. In the recent past, Prince Harry has openly spoken about the royal family’s ‘never complain, never explain’ strategy when he gave an interview with Anderson Cooper to promote his forthcoming memoir Spare. All of these public statements are seen as damaging to the royal family as it has left them unable to correct erroneous media stories about themselves.

So, how does this maxim play out in the life of lesser mortals like us? It will be easier to understand its influence if we take the two words separately: ‘never complain’ and ‘never explain’. Can we characterise ‘complaining’ as being on the offensive and ‘explaining’ as being on the defensive?

It would appear so. Another aspect of these phrases is that you may not feel obligated to complain but the moment you begin to explain, you feel you are doing it under some obligation.

It is possible to imagine one dovetailing into the other. Like for example, a person is trying to explain away why they did badly in a test and to buttress their explanation they complain that certain questions were beyond the syllabus. Similarly, a person complaining about a lack of civic sense among people tries to establish their locus to complain by explaining their unmitigated concern for the community they live in.

Are these two concepts joined at the hip? If you complain will you be called upon to explain the basis of your complaint? It would appear so. Similarly, if someone complained that you don’t care about others' feelings, are you required to explain? If you did decide to explain are you going to confess to being insensitive, which is a form of explanation, or refuse to be drawn into that discussion?

Is it possible to avoid a complaint with a plausible explanation? It would seem so. You may often find yourself giving an explanation for what might be your own complaint. A friend doesn’t show up as promised. You wait for a while and instead of picking up the phone and yelling at her, you tell yourself that she may have been held up somewhere. You call her not to complain but to see if her explanation matches your own surmise. A good friend does not complain and does not require an explanation for everything.

In a family situation, one finds oneself getting into an explanation mode, albeit unwillingly. When I lived in Mumbai I used to visit Bangalore on business and would call to say hello to a relative only to be chided that I have become a big shot and had no time to visit poor relatives. It is a different matter that I chose not to make those calls, but I was on the back foot then.

People are curious and they unobtrusively pry into others' affairs. They make roving enquiries about you, your family, your health and even your earnings. If you show reluctance to engage with them, they complain that you are a rude stuck-up person. This is a case of complaint on the rebound when the explanation is refused. Such nosey parkers have no regard for privacy and feel entitled to information. Their curiosity gets the better of them. Please read 🔗Filter Coffee #107 - by M R Prasanna

Complaining is also an expression of frustration particularly when one is denied of something. If you forget to invite someone for your daughter’s wedding and months later you make the mistake of asking her in a complaining tone “Why didn’t you show up at my daughter's wedding?” Your complaint is met with another robust counter-complaint. It is good to let circumspection precede a complaint and perhaps pre-empt it.

Mobile phones, social media platforms and other internet-enabled communication have their own species of complaints and explanations. Emojis are used to convey a feeling. It is critical that one doesn’t get keyboard-happy and dash out complaints while expecting an explanation with the same alacrity. If you don’t wish to explain, the blue ticks tell the sender a different story — that you don’t care to respond. 

Sometimes, we find the need to provide a convincing explanation as a teacher would to a student who is a slow learner. But do you have to go about convincing others with a long-winded explanation as if they are dimwitted? Truth, for instance, requires no explanation and yet people tend to couch it in long-winded explanations, giving more room to challenge that truth or worse even, to characterise it as a lie.

Then there are compulsive complainers and explainers. There are a variety of compulsive complainers. Snivellers make frequent complaints about relatively little things, fusspots have something to complain about in every situation, and moaners, whiners and grumblers need no introduction. They speak for themselves.

Talking of compulsive explainers, they believe they are more informed and presume that you need to be educated or that you have inadequate knowledge or understanding of a given situation. They launch into a long-winded explanation of just about anything and everything.

Let me share my experience with an explanation. My son had to study civics (or was it social science, I forget) and my wife, who helped him with almost every other subject, thought that as a lawyer I am better equipped to help my son with civics. My son came to me with his civics textbook with an enthusiasm that would put a reluctant student to shame. Oblivious of his scepticism, with an altruistic fervour, I launched into an explanation of the separation of powers, the bicameral legislature et al. I could see that he was nodding, but I was unaware that his eyes were pleading with his mother to rescue him from me, which she promptly did but not before telling me “you are supposed to be a teacher not give a law lecture”. I suspect that single episode was why my son decided not to become a lawyer.

In a lighter vein

A man living in the USSR applies to immigrate. He is summoned by the KGB
“I see that you applied to move out of the country?” asks the KGB officer. The man nods.
“Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?”
“Yeah, I can't complain.”
“And here in the USSR, don't you have a place to live?”
“Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.”
“And here in the USSR, don't you have a job to work at?”
“Yeah, I can't complain.”
“So, why did you apply to immigrate?”
“Because there I can complain!”

Dear readers I will never complain about not getting enough comments, and you don’t have to explain either. See you next week! Ciao!