FC 160 elicited interesting comments.
Lakshmi Raman says: “An enjoyable read, Prasanna. Unfortunately, we in India still do not take RSVP seriously. My daughter’s wedding 12 years ago had families of even 10 people (no less) attending because of the food. The other daughter’s wedding, the same year, saw a near-shortage of food as in addition to other ‘families and friends’, 15-20 of another son-in-law’s colleagues just turned up ‘because we knew the biryani would be good!’ In contrast, an NGO colleague in Ireland invited 250 guests to his wedding in a church outside town some years ago. The guests had to book and pay for their travel & lodging. I found it sensible. Only the closest, true well-wishers turned up. But we haven’t got there yet, not by any stretch of imagination!”
Tarun Kunzru says: “As events and weddings get more elaborate and expensive, the need to plan and execute meticulously needs a clear estimate of numbers/invitees. What was considered impolite at one time is seen as professional now. It's OK to drive specificity. Most of all, wastage is a sin and most people understand that.”
Anupam Sringeri has a different take: “It’s not as bad as we imagine. Much of the leftover food at these weddings gets picked up by NGOs and donated to orphanages and old age homes. Most wedding caterers have these NGOs on speed dial. So in some sense not “RSVPing” and not attending is actually a good thing for some of the underprivileged folks.”
🥲 Misery Loves Company
Haruki Murakami says “pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice”. Please read my post 🔗https://mrprasanna.substack.com/p/filter-coffee-067. Mental or physical pain is a pointer to a problem that is causing us hurt and discomfort. Misery is a kind of suffering which can be either a product of ‘helplessness’ or ‘unfairness’. We often find ourselves in situations that we wish to overcome but are unable to, and this helplessness makes us feel miserable. We often hear people wistfully stating that ‘life is being very unfair’ and feeling miserable. Can a single situation make somebody experience helplessness and unfairness? It is quite possible. For instance, if a person contracted the COVID virus despite taking the shots, he would likely feel that life has been unfair to him and at the same time feel helpless at being unable to attend his sister’s wedding.
The idiom ‘misery loves company’ is said to have originated from the play The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus, in which the devil’s agent Mephastophilis is asked “Why does Satan seek to enlarge his kingdom?” and to which he answers “to create companions in woe who provide comfort to the unfortunate” which means ‘misery loves company’. The actual words used were “Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris”, which means, “It is a comfort to the unfortunate to have had companions in woe.” In other words, those who are unhappy welcome the company of others who are also unhappy, as it may make them feel better. If a student did not get good grades, he may feel redeemed if his brightest classmate too failed to secure good grades.
A person who is feeling miserable might bristle if someone sympathises with them and downplays the situation they are in, as opposed to someone who empathises with them by sharing their own miserable experience. Helen Keller’s quote “I was crying for shoes until I saw a man with no feet” illustrates the point. It does not mean that people in misery want others to suffer, but knowing that they are not alone gives them relief, and a feeling of togetherness.
Is it then likely that a person in misery feels better if they are in the company of a person in much greater misery? It would appear so, if one believes in the concept of ‘vicarious pleasure’. An experienced batsman getting out without scoring and blaming the pitch, may provide some succour to an upcoming batsman who had earlier got out after scoring a few runs.
It is often said and believed that misery is different from pain and suffering. One can’t wish away the pain and the suffering of it. But one can avoid feeling miserable by not agonising over a failure or disappointment in life without hoping for ‘company’. To be able to come to terms with a situation that kindled misery, one has to see it as an opportunity to avoid the recurrence of that situation with conscious effort and a firm resolve.
This trait is seen among people pursuing the CA qualification (and, for that matter, other highly competitive exams). They persevere and work hard to make the cut. Of course, there are comparisons between people who passed the CA exam in the first attempt and those who took more attempts. A guy who passed on the second attempt may feel better if his batchmate took three attempts, but again he may feel let down by life (the unfair theory) if his batchmate was more successful in his practice as CA.
Desire and dissatisfaction are the other factors that cause misery. If I desire something which is beyond the realm of reality or if I don’t appreciate what I have, it can cause misery which is clearly avoidable by accepting reality. Peer pressure may heighten one’s desire for better things in life. But one should be aware that ‘lusting for better’ means not appreciating the good things one has. Good, better, best is a simple grammatical progression of desire.
Often we hear someone saying, “Oh! You are better off than me” and then go on to explain how. The person can either come to terms with reality or continue to wallow in misery. How long this misery might persist is dependent on the person’s desire to move on in life. “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. This quote is from Oscar Wilde’s play Lady Windermere’s Fan. A reminder that we must keep our eyes open to something better, even in the midst of our suffering. The gutter is symbolic of life’s lows, and the stars the brighter side if one cares to look.
Is there some vicarious pleasure involved here? Does one feel less unhappy if they find a friend or another person far more unhappy? I don’t think so, because a person can derive vicarious pleasure by making or seeing someone unhappy. Vicarious comes from the Latin word vicarius, which means "substitute". A student who secured good grades, instead of being thrilled with his own achievement, experiences a greater thrill if his rival classmates fail to get good grades.
‘Misery loves company’ suggests that suffering can be made easier to bear if it is also shared by others. Conversely, does it mean that people who are happy will be happier if it is shared by others, or is it a case of ‘happiness hates company’? If you flaunt your achievements or wear your success on your sleeve, it may provoke envy and even ridicule. Your happiness may well induce some misery among others who are envious of you. It would therefore appear realistic to expect sympathy or empathy when you are miserable but expect no more than polite indulgence and muted applause when you celebrate a happy occasion or an achievement.
Condolence and commiseration are both means of sympathising. While condolence is apt to condole a loss or bereavement, commiseration is apt to console someone in misery more so if the person consoling has gone through a similar experience and could be heard saying: “I went through a similar situation last year, and it was tough. I can imagine how difficult this is for you.” or “I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been in your shoes before, and it’s not easy.”
Interestingly, foes may turn friends when misery befalls and friends may become strangers out of sheer envy when happiness abounds. Any thoughts, dear readers?
To end in a lighter vein:
Cross-examining a farmer, the lawyer asks him, "Sir, when you got into a car accident, and the sheriff walked up to you, you said “I never felt better in your life”. Why is that?". The farmer says:
"When I crashed my pick-up truck, my horse that was in my trailer was in quite a bad condition, and the sheriff recognized this, and he picked up his gun and put the horse out of his misery. And my dog, he was lying out on the road, injured and in much pain. The sheriff once again saw the pain the animal was in and put it out of its misery. Then the sheriff walked up to me and asked me, 'How are you doing?'"
Dear readers, I hope you quite liked this post. Please say so and put me out of my misery 😀
Take care, be safe. Ciao.
Misery is a reactive state....It's a response (in the mind) to something negative. While it's natural to flock together with birds in the same state to get some solace it's important to get hold of yourself sooner rather than later and to move on to rebuild. Last thing you want is wallowing in misery with the logic - "what matters never mind because what is in my mind is all that matters"