Filter Coffee #176

On Reciprocation

FC 175 was a travelogue, and I wasn’t sure how it might resonate with my readers. Mercifully, my apprehensions were dispelled by the comments that I received.

• My dear friend Chandu from Kolkata reminisced about his ITC days when his jurisdiction was the northeast. He writes: “Hi Pras, I was responsible from 1969-71 for what are now the Hill States of Nagaland, Manipur, Mizoram, NEFA (now Arunachal), Meghalaya — Spent 3 weeks per month travelling in a Jeep Station Wagon, painted With Lex Brand of Cigarettes — the exception was Manipur where the No.1 Brand was Akbar Shah!! The Army was omnipresent, including checking the ID Cards of locals!! But Commercial travellers were treated as friends.

• The only foreigners were missionaries, who were fluent in the local language and ran schools and medicare centres. Tension with India was obvious in Nagaland, Mizoram and the Manipur Hills — mercifully, Nagaland and Mizoram are happier places now.”

• Atul Rajadhyaksha, my Mumbai dost and an excellent lawyer, says: “Thanks, Pras. Indeed, very informative. One hopes to make it sometime. But for now, one has been there due to your very picturesque description. Looking forward to the next part of Filter Coffee!”

• Krupa Murthy has similar feelings when she says: “Where is the need to plan such an arduous trip to Nagaland as I feel I have just witnessed The Hornbill Festival this morning!! Your verbal description and visuals are so realistic and incredible, that I am bowled over and overwhelmed!! Please keep our spirits soaring high this way.

• Lakshmi Raman has this to say: “I have been to Nagaland many years ago on NGO work. Sadly, it was not at the time of the Hornbill Festival. The landscape is beautiful. I was amused when people would ask me, ‘So you have come from India?’ But truly, it looks and feels like another world than the rest of India.”

• Sanjiv Pai says: “Pras, the lucidness of your travelogue compelled me to read it thrice! Your sentence, ‘We had been warned that vegetarian food is not easy to get, BUT.....’ told me that travel surely broadens the horizon of the mind. Travel usually demolishes stereotypes.”

🤝 Reciprocation: is it Always a Quid Pro Quo?

The Latin phrase quid pro quo means something given in return for something received. Simply put, ‘something for something’. Put in the colloquial sentence ‘you scratch my back and I will scratch yours’.

Reciprocity embodies the principle of mutuality. In its ordinary connotation, it refers to an organisation or a country doing or giving something to another organisation, either for mutual benefit or expecting something in return. Reciprocity is quite evident in the manner in which diplomatic relations are maintained. In most situations, reciprocation happens concurrently like a quid pro quo.

Reciprocation has a slightly different meaning attributed to it. It is the act of returning a favour at a personal level. A person may or may not reciprocate, even if there is an expectation of the favour being returned. The larger question that I would like to pose to my readers is: Whether reciprocation is an obligation and if that obligation is not met, will it lead to rancour?

Some people will not forget what they did for another person, but will seize any opportunity to remind that person or bring it up during some discussion to the discomfiture of that person. On the flip side, there are people who, when reminded of the favours conferred, will defuse the underlying intent of that reminder with a simple ‘thank you for helping me out’. 

Many people who end up helping someone expect that person to be grateful if not reciprocate. This causes a lot of angst in their mind, and they don’t miss the opportunity to talk about how ungrateful that person has been. Then, some have selfish motives when they extend a helping hand. They begin to calculate what they might get in return. It serves such people well to remind themselves of the famous saying in the Bhagavad Geeta “​​कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मां फलेषु कदाचन”. Lord Krishna tells Arjuna ‘Do your duty without expecting the fruits of your actions’.

Selfless service is predicated on expecting nothing in return. Not even making anyone feel obligated. Empathy and compassion are the cornerstones of selfless service. If ulterior motives of creating obligations drive the dispensing of favours, it is bound to, in the long run, strain relationships.

Generosity and charity though somewhat similar have a differentiator. Charity involves generosity, but generosity need not always involve charity. One can generously donate to a charity without expecting anything in return or seek some recognition or praise, which satiates one’s ego. One can be generous in helping someone in cash or kind without expecting anything in return, making it a selfless act. Generosity may also involve gifting away.

Many people view reciprocation as an obligation. If they have been extended help by a friend or relative, they feel weighed down by an obligation to reciprocate and to do that, they will be on the lookout constantly for any opportunity. For them, reciprocation is like ‘returning the favour’ or ‘payback’”. 

‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you’ is a biblical concept and is commonly referred to as the ‘Golden Rule’. This can also be interpreted as a reciprocation rule, which obligates you to treat people the way you expect them to treat you. It is behaviour-centric reciprocation and not the material kind. In the past, we may have treated handymen, household helpers and others who perform tasks ranging from menial to material with disdain, though we expected them to be deferential to us. That has changed to a great extent. Handymen, for example, are not easy to get when you need them even if you are willing to pay them more than what you think they deserve, albeit grudgingly. 

The desire to maintain cordial relations with neighbours is generally not motivated by an expectation of reciprocation. It simply creates a familial kind of relationship in which people are ready and willing to help each other or share good things. My wife, for example, often sends a portion of what she has baked or cooked to the neighbours without expecting them to share what they cook or bake. But she expects them to return the container 😀. 

Similar is the case of someone borrowing a piece of equipment from you. All you expect them to do is return it when done with, and not force you to remind them. Of course, some people lend their iron box to you and don’t take it kindly when you refuse to lend them your car. Expectation of disproportionate expectation leads to disgruntlement. 

Reciprocation is not always balanced. It is better not to expect a thing of equal value when you have given someone a birthday gift. There are people who with unintentional meticulousness keep track of which wedding they attended and what gift they gave with an underlying expectation of reciprocation.

There is yet another dimension of reciprocation. To illustrate, a reportee curries the favour of his boss by either running personal errands or by being an informant in the hope of getting a promotion. There is a certain negativity involved in this kind of expectation of reciprocation. Giving money to an official for issuance of consent without being entitled to it or to suppress a violation and taking no action.

Reciprocation is manifest in all kinds of interactions that humans have. Some are quite clear and some unstated. It is very hard to imagine a selfless act has no reciprocation. The appreciation or applause or a eulogy is what it gets in return, even if the act is altruistic.

Christmas is around the corner, and if someone wishes you on WhatsApp, you could respond “I heartily reciprocate the good wishes”. Just saying ‘same to you’ could be ‘shame on you’ without one realising it.

Do readers want to know what I seek in reciprocation for this post? There's not much, but your comments and encouragement. Until next week, take care & be safe. Covid may be lurking. Merry Christmas & Ciao!