Good morning Prasanna. This week's FC is in a more serious vein, coming as it does from your recent experience with your aged uncle. I recall reading in an ad (of all things) the following words: "Four things come not back - the spoken word, the sped arrow, time past and a neglected opportunity." I suppose regret accompanies all or any of these four for many of us -the arrow only for those who are marksmen - but the essence is that these are things we cannot undo, and hence the regret. Reflection, meditation and sometimes, if the regret relates to relationships, reaching out helps to mitigate some of the regret and enable us to move on.
"we should move from regret to reflection, which helps us think through what happened, how it happened, who caused it to happen, and whether it was justified or not. Reflecting helps us think clearly. It is for this reason that meditation is recommended, as it helps us reflect on a regrettable incident and come to terms with it."
Well said. This is the best way to eschew the sense of remorse that keeps haunting one for a long time after the incident. Meditation is the best way known so far to to get over the sense of guilt even though it was not one's own fault but caused by justifiable circumstances obtaining at the point of that incident.
Sending one's parents, or even one of them after the demise of the other, to an "Assisted Senior Living" has become too common these days due to a variety of reasons most of which are fairly reasonable. But what is more important is keeping in touch with that person by frequent visits not only by self but with other members of the family as well in order to keep the emotional bond of the family alive.
Regret is a normal human trait over what feels to have been a wrong choice that one made in the past.
In the case of your uncle, this is very understandable more so because of a feeling of guilt, associated with strong emotions.
But, tell me Prasanna, what were the alternatives? You took an option based on the information you had at that moment, and the criteria that the choice should meet, period. Yes, you feel sorry about it, but regretting about it is not the way of Self-Esteem.
Let's face it: the outcome of a decision that you make will be known only after the choice is made. So, every time you choose an option, you are taking a gamble. This has nothing to do with one's qualifications, level of knowledge or intelligence.
Nathaniel Branden put it beautifully when he wrote that while nature made it necessary for humans to make a choice every time, she held back the ability to make the right choice, from him. J Krishnamurthy attributes man's insecurity to the compulsion of having to make a choice.
Having understood this, it means to say that there is nothing wrong in making a wrong decision. Once we accept this fact- which is not easy - you begin to own the choices you make; and, once you own it, you have the ability to change its consequences. This is a powerful 'Sutra' to live by and it adds to the development of your self-esteem.
So, coming back to your regret, you should understand the psychological source behind it(like , you should never have made that choice. Shows me in poor light) and learn to accept it, your regret as a natural emotion. There is nothing that you can do about it. You can get over the negative emotion by thinking about "past world's bliss" and the good times that you had with your uncle. What had to happen, did happen. You may think better next time.
I seek your permission to share a similar situation in my life:
One of my brothers, whose care was my responsibility, suffered a cerebral haemorrhage. He went into coma and the neurosurgeon called me up the next day and gave me the choice of treating him in the least intrusive way and hope for his recovery or put him in an oxygen tent, with various kinds of pipes etc. and try to revive him, with no guarantee however. I asked him what the probability was of his recovery under the two options. When he told me that it was 50-50, either way, then i felt that there was no sense in prolonging his life as a living dead entity. I'd rather opt for the less painful method and pray for the best.
Before that, however, I called his daughter who was abroad and was to reach Bangalore the next day. She agreed with me.
Then came the critical moment: I had to sign a declaration related to my choice, exonerating the doctors and the hospital of all consequences.
I had asked my son-in-law to bring over my car and pick me up.
Once I finished putting my signature, I felt numb all over and grew stiff. It was like I had signed my brother's death warrant. So, when my son-in-law came to pick me up, i couldn't speak and i was stiff all over. I had begun to regret my decision immediately.
My brother passed away the next day and i couldn't get over my regret for a long time.
There was an elderly retired doctor in our neighborhood who was a good friend and always stopped to chat. I am a person who never puts on a long face and always possess a cheerful demeanor. This morning, when the doctor friend saw me, he wondered what was wrong with me. I explained to him in detail about my regret. His reply that what I did was actually very good for my brother since if I had taken the other option I would only have prolonged his suffering and held him back from being peaceful. That helped me.
So, Prasanna, you may feel bad, but what you did for uncle was probably good for him. Cheer up and continue to your jolly, erudite self.
BTW, regular meditation brings enormous clarity to the mind and gives you control over your emotions, among other wonderful things it does.
Wow! Jagadish it was cathartic to read your comments. You have given me a lot to process. But memories of him pleading me to take him home will remain but not as a source of regret, like you rightly put.
Regret is a very big topic and I just touched that aspect of it that was relevant to your blog. Not all regrets are due to making a choice that went away. Some can be due to incompetence, etc.
We tend to either romantacise the past or be over critical of the past.
Having said that, we make choices which are conscious at a given point in time, under the then prevailing circumstances. The choices which are purely rational going wrong, one can deal with and correct based on new evidence. It's the conscience impacting decisions which linger and are heavy on regret. I typically try to introspect / dwell on these by looking at it holistically - this helps deal with the regret element substantially. To illustrate - Pras, you can't be sure if your uncle would be better taken care off at home as opposed to the assisted living home. So dont carry that regret. You took the right call under difficult circumstances.
It's like, should I take route A or route B to my destination. You go on A for best reason and once you are stuck you regret that you didn't go on route B without knowing.... route B could be worse!
Watch out is - Smothering conscience and making decisions is a very high price to pay!
I didn't know you have been dealing with this regret about Ranganath mama.
We fondly recollect meeting him during Abhay's wedding in 2015 or 2016-and sadly he couldn't recognise us.
My two take- home words from your piece are - 'Mental rumination ' and 'Reflective meditation '
--while the former is inevitable and throws you into depths of despair-the latter is not an easy task at all.I too have my share of regrets -Thank you for suggesting a remedy......
While prima facie, one may be tempted to contend that Regret is rather a negative phenomenon, as opposed to Reflection being a positive phenomenon, it will perhaps be right to say that Regret is indeed a powerful sentiment, if it just doesn't stop there, but leads most often naturally to Reflection. Regret is a catalyst to Reflection, most often, and does have it's primacy in our development... playing a constructive role... I feel.
Good morning Prasanna. This week's FC is in a more serious vein, coming as it does from your recent experience with your aged uncle. I recall reading in an ad (of all things) the following words: "Four things come not back - the spoken word, the sped arrow, time past and a neglected opportunity." I suppose regret accompanies all or any of these four for many of us -the arrow only for those who are marksmen - but the essence is that these are things we cannot undo, and hence the regret. Reflection, meditation and sometimes, if the regret relates to relationships, reaching out helps to mitigate some of the regret and enable us to move on.
Thank you Lakshmi. This happened few years ago. But a feeling of regret pops out of the recesses of the mind.
"we should move from regret to reflection, which helps us think through what happened, how it happened, who caused it to happen, and whether it was justified or not. Reflecting helps us think clearly. It is for this reason that meditation is recommended, as it helps us reflect on a regrettable incident and come to terms with it."
Well said. This is the best way to eschew the sense of remorse that keeps haunting one for a long time after the incident. Meditation is the best way known so far to to get over the sense of guilt even though it was not one's own fault but caused by justifiable circumstances obtaining at the point of that incident.
Sending one's parents, or even one of them after the demise of the other, to an "Assisted Senior Living" has become too common these days due to a variety of reasons most of which are fairly reasonable. But what is more important is keeping in touch with that person by frequent visits not only by self but with other members of the family as well in order to keep the emotional bond of the family alive.
Regret is a normal human trait over what feels to have been a wrong choice that one made in the past.
In the case of your uncle, this is very understandable more so because of a feeling of guilt, associated with strong emotions.
But, tell me Prasanna, what were the alternatives? You took an option based on the information you had at that moment, and the criteria that the choice should meet, period. Yes, you feel sorry about it, but regretting about it is not the way of Self-Esteem.
Let's face it: the outcome of a decision that you make will be known only after the choice is made. So, every time you choose an option, you are taking a gamble. This has nothing to do with one's qualifications, level of knowledge or intelligence.
Nathaniel Branden put it beautifully when he wrote that while nature made it necessary for humans to make a choice every time, she held back the ability to make the right choice, from him. J Krishnamurthy attributes man's insecurity to the compulsion of having to make a choice.
Having understood this, it means to say that there is nothing wrong in making a wrong decision. Once we accept this fact- which is not easy - you begin to own the choices you make; and, once you own it, you have the ability to change its consequences. This is a powerful 'Sutra' to live by and it adds to the development of your self-esteem.
So, coming back to your regret, you should understand the psychological source behind it(like , you should never have made that choice. Shows me in poor light) and learn to accept it, your regret as a natural emotion. There is nothing that you can do about it. You can get over the negative emotion by thinking about "past world's bliss" and the good times that you had with your uncle. What had to happen, did happen. You may think better next time.
I seek your permission to share a similar situation in my life:
One of my brothers, whose care was my responsibility, suffered a cerebral haemorrhage. He went into coma and the neurosurgeon called me up the next day and gave me the choice of treating him in the least intrusive way and hope for his recovery or put him in an oxygen tent, with various kinds of pipes etc. and try to revive him, with no guarantee however. I asked him what the probability was of his recovery under the two options. When he told me that it was 50-50, either way, then i felt that there was no sense in prolonging his life as a living dead entity. I'd rather opt for the less painful method and pray for the best.
Before that, however, I called his daughter who was abroad and was to reach Bangalore the next day. She agreed with me.
Then came the critical moment: I had to sign a declaration related to my choice, exonerating the doctors and the hospital of all consequences.
I had asked my son-in-law to bring over my car and pick me up.
Once I finished putting my signature, I felt numb all over and grew stiff. It was like I had signed my brother's death warrant. So, when my son-in-law came to pick me up, i couldn't speak and i was stiff all over. I had begun to regret my decision immediately.
My brother passed away the next day and i couldn't get over my regret for a long time.
There was an elderly retired doctor in our neighborhood who was a good friend and always stopped to chat. I am a person who never puts on a long face and always possess a cheerful demeanor. This morning, when the doctor friend saw me, he wondered what was wrong with me. I explained to him in detail about my regret. His reply that what I did was actually very good for my brother since if I had taken the other option I would only have prolonged his suffering and held him back from being peaceful. That helped me.
So, Prasanna, you may feel bad, but what you did for uncle was probably good for him. Cheer up and continue to your jolly, erudite self.
BTW, regular meditation brings enormous clarity to the mind and gives you control over your emotions, among other wonderful things it does.
Wow! Jagadish it was cathartic to read your comments. You have given me a lot to process. But memories of him pleading me to take him home will remain but not as a source of regret, like you rightly put.
Regret is a very big topic and I just touched that aspect of it that was relevant to your blog. Not all regrets are due to making a choice that went away. Some can be due to incompetence, etc.
We tend to either romantacise the past or be over critical of the past.
Having said that, we make choices which are conscious at a given point in time, under the then prevailing circumstances. The choices which are purely rational going wrong, one can deal with and correct based on new evidence. It's the conscience impacting decisions which linger and are heavy on regret. I typically try to introspect / dwell on these by looking at it holistically - this helps deal with the regret element substantially. To illustrate - Pras, you can't be sure if your uncle would be better taken care off at home as opposed to the assisted living home. So dont carry that regret. You took the right call under difficult circumstances.
It's like, should I take route A or route B to my destination. You go on A for best reason and once you are stuck you regret that you didn't go on route B without knowing.... route B could be worse!
Watch out is - Smothering conscience and making decisions is a very high price to pay!
Beautiful piece Pras
I didn't know you have been dealing with this regret about Ranganath mama.
We fondly recollect meeting him during Abhay's wedding in 2015 or 2016-and sadly he couldn't recognise us.
My two take- home words from your piece are - 'Mental rumination ' and 'Reflective meditation '
--while the former is inevitable and throws you into depths of despair-the latter is not an easy task at all.I too have my share of regrets -Thank you for suggesting a remedy......
Take care . Cheers
While prima facie, one may be tempted to contend that Regret is rather a negative phenomenon, as opposed to Reflection being a positive phenomenon, it will perhaps be right to say that Regret is indeed a powerful sentiment, if it just doesn't stop there, but leads most often naturally to Reflection. Regret is a catalyst to Reflection, most often, and does have it's primacy in our development... playing a constructive role... I feel.
Excellent observations Jai