Filter Coffee #248

Guest Edition - On Living Eulogies

Bengaluru

Readers liked FC 247 and expressed divergent views on decadence, which was to be expected. I urge you to read these very interesting and differing perspectives.

• Lakshmi Raman: “I liked your FC on decadence. Modern instances of it that come to mind are an industrialist's opulent home with 268 cars, Bryan Johnson’s experiments to reduce biological age, and Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. Decadence goes way beyond self-indulgence to ‘I have it, I flaunt it.’ My personal experience of decadence was attending a board meeting in a 7-star boutique hotel in Hyderabad some 15 years ago. The place was pure decadence, and I felt uncomfortable for those 2 days. Coming back to my humble home was a pure relief.”

• Tarun Kunzru: “In my book, decadence is indulging to such an extent that it's harmful (physically and mentally) to you, your loved ones and society at large. Affording conveniences which take care of physical routine is smart, as it releases time for creativity, analytics and introspection. It is about time management - 'Like to do vs have to do'. White goods, robotics and now AI, for example, are about taking care of chores, repetitive tasks and tough physical activity. Thereby, releasing time for other pursuits which you enjoy more and with which you make a bigger difference. There is a thin line separating the affluent and vulgar display of wealth. 'Well to do' must 'Dwell and then do'!”

• Amar: “Prasanna, by using these ‘helps’ we are giving them an opportunity to earn a living too. They would otherwise be idle minds and a social menace. Again, indulgence in this is very relative - what maybe indulgence for one may not be for another - with exceptions of course.”

• Subahu Desai: “Earlier generations, including our grandparents, were brought up in a feudalistic society. Kingdoms and princely states, rich landowners, bonded labour and so forth. The next generation was ruled by the British, who made the vulnerable Indians their servitors. Presently, there are 2 aspects: 1. necessity (working couples, elders with empty nests) who need or require assistance and help. 2. Decadence. Making a statement, ‘I HAVE ARRIVED’ & peer pressure. Beg, borrow or steal if you cannot afford it, but you want to live with the Joneses, as they say. In both cases, it creates employment. Living beyond means, maybe, but that provides a livelihood to some.”

• Damandeep: “I echo Subahu Desai's comment and take. For working women in modern Indian homes, support systems like domestic help, childcare services, or mental health breaks are not signs of privilege—they’re essentials. This isn’t decadence—it’s the bare minimum required to stay afloat in a world where emotional labour is invisible, and the cost of ‘doing it all’ is too high!”

• Raghupathy: “What is apparently ‘decadence’ may be the desire to ‘show off’. Possessing a car and engaging a driver may be a necessity for a doctor but could be perceived as a luxury for a bank clerk. Decadence is directly proportionate to affordability, at least in Indian context.”

• Radhika Prasad has a different take: “That's a thought-provoking article on decadence. I know many who consider golf as decadence... spending hours walking around chasing a ball... using miles of land for a few specific people... employing caddies to do the dirty work… a rich man's game. But ask the caddies and they are grateful to be employed... they are passionate about the game.. they build their contacts and network too, in addition to the players building their social network. A green patch is preserved in the city... the green ecosystem bring in migratory birds. So once can't announce decadence just by doing a financial cost analysis. One needs to do a social cost benefit analysis too. If the value addition through the task is nil or negative in toto, it is decadence indeed.”

• Hemalatha Sheshadri left a beautifully worded, thought-provoking comment. In the interest of space, I’m sharing just an excerpt here. Please do take a moment to read it in full if you have a chance: “Having domestic help, a cook and cleaner, can hardly be considered frivolous as women work and need a strong support system. Decadence is in the way we treat our helpers. The western world too indulges, whether in buying food or having help to clean their homes, depending on their affordability. [...] We should prioritise what matters and not sleepwalk through life. In our own way, let’s have the courage to resist temptations even if we can afford them and stand up for those who need a helping hand.”

Preface

I am grateful to my dear friend Ashvini Ranjan for yet again stepping in for me, as I travel in Kerala, and writing this guest post. He has chosen a topic that will resonate with all of us. Each of us has either received praise or offered it at some point. We may have also regretted not praising or appreciating, or recognising someone at the right time.

I recall an event organised by my law college in Mysore (Sharada Vilas Law College) way back in the 70s. The incumbent principal was laying down office and handing over the charge to his successor. As was the custom then, he was adorned with the Mysore Petha, a traditional headgear, which looks like this:

He was also given a basket of fruits and was garlanded by the incoming principal. Speeches followed, praising the principal to the skies so much that he was left wondering why he received so many accolades when he was hardly respected for what he was during his term. We have situations where people forget to say nice things about a person when he was alive, but say those very nice things as part of a condolence speech.

With this short introduction, I now present to you a piece about ‘Eulogy’, written by Ashvini. Read on and write in your much-valued comments. See you next week, Ciao!

💬 Living Eulogy

by Ashvini Ranjan

When our dear friend Muthanna, fondly called Ponnu, passed away unexpectedly after a brief illness, it left an emptiness that many of us still feel. A true gentleman, kind-hearted and soft-spoken, Ponnu spent his life in Mysore, earning the admiration and love of all who knew him. As the owner of The Pelican Pub, popularly known as ‘Ponnu’s Place’, he built deep connections across generations. At the prayer meeting held in his honour, heartfelt tributes poured in with spontaneity and sincerity. One couldn’t help but think that if Ponnu had been alive, he would have been deeply moved to hear how much he was loved and respected. The photograph of his smiling face beside the podium seemed to say, “I wish I were there to hear this.”

It was then that I fully grasped the power and necessity of a Living Eulogy—a way to honour someone meaningfully while they are still with us. Traditionally, a eulogy is delivered after someone has passed away, intended more to comfort the grieving family. But a Living Eulogy is a tribute given during a person’s lifetime, often in their later years. It recognises their contributions, character, and impact on others, not in sorrow, but in celebration. Too often, our kindest words are left unsaid or delayed until it’s too late, due to hesitation, distractions, or other priorities. We miss the opportunity to express heartfelt gratitude and love to those who shaped our lives: parents, teachers, friends, mentors, and more.

A eulogy of the living is a validation of the person’s contribution, and it is a sincere expression of one’s feelings, right from the heart. Why do such eulogies matter?

As people grow older, they often struggle with feelings of low self-esteem, loneliness, or a sense that their lives no longer hold meaning. A Living Eulogy reflects their true worth and acknowledges their legacy.

Families and friendships may carry unresolved conflicts or emotional distance. A Living Eulogy can open the door to appreciation and reconciliation. Every elder is a living library of stories and wisdom. A Living Eulogy helps preserve and share those stories before they’re lost. Hearing about the life journeys, values, and quiet contributions of elders can be deeply inspiring, especially for younger generations. It encourages living with purpose and meaning.

These gatherings also offer a rare chance to reconnect—not just with the honouree, but with one another, rekindling friendships and reweaving the social fabric.

Not long ago, the birthdays of two friends in their 70s and 80s were celebrated in quick succession. Though not formally called Living Eulogies, they served as trial runs for future such occasions. The gatherings included classmates, students, playmates, and childhood friends of the honorees. Each guest shared memories, some long forgotten, recounting childhood pranks, heartfelt moments, and genuine admiration. The spouses present were visibly moved to hear what their aging husbands meant to so many. One honoree said it was the greatest gift of his life. Attendees later shared photos and messages across social media, sparking a wave of goodwill and warm wishes from around the world.

Though not yet a widespread custom, Living Eulogies can and should become a tradition. Held on milestone birthdays, retirements, or anniversaries, they can take place in settings big or small, formal or informal. Whether spoken aloud or written with care, what matters most is that they are shared while the person is alive to receive them.

It may take some effort to plan, but the emotional and spiritual rewards are priceless. Once embraced, this practice can become a meaningful family or community tradition—a celebration not of loss, but of life and love.

Let’s not wait for funerals to express what we feel. Let’s recognise the unsung heroes among us. Let’s give our elders, mentors, and loved ones the honour they truly deserve—while they can still hear it. Let’s make Living Eulogies a tradition of love, gratitude, and celebration. Amen!