Filter Coffee # 278

On Frank & Sincere

Bengaluru

FC 277 had its share of compliments, but what stood out was a note of dissent from my dear friend Murali Neelakantan. This is what he said: “Dear Pras, thank you for yet another wonderful post that explores the use of the wall. As before, I have to push back on your stereotyping of introverts. They aren’t always wallflowers in social gatherings. Introverts love deep engagement with small groups where there are areas of common interest or passions. It’s sad that most people confuse shyness with introversion. I don’t mean to admonish, and you will please forgive me if I come across that way, but someone needs to stand up for the introverts.”

Others, too, had a lot to say:

• Karthik: “Your post is a classic example of how you can spin an entire article from a random word. ‘Wall’ is used by finance professionals in the finance industry to describe Chinese walls to keep two teams of the same organisation insulated from each other. Talking about walls, not sure how many of us remember the proverbial wall clock, which seems to have faded into oblivion. I fondly remember a cuckoo clock that adorned my neighbour’s otherwise empty wall. Lastly, I am reminded of the famous 1979 Pink Floyd song ‘Another Brick in the Wall’, a reminder to us mortals that we are just a speck in the large universe!!”

• Lakshmi Raman: “I was wondering as I began reading today’s FC, as to where the piece about the Wall of Kumbalgarh was leading to. You have always started with something which segues into something else even more interesting, such as the metaphorical stonewall and firewall of today. I am reminded of Robert Frost’s poem ‘Mending Wall’, which talks about walling in and walling out, and his neighbour who believed that ‘good fences make good neighbours’.”
  Another reader, Chitralekha, agrees.

• Damandeep: “Having watched the latest season of the Netflix show ‘Stranger Things’ recently, your FC about walls nicely made sense, as there is this wall in that show that is impenetrable and a mystery! However, what an interesting collection of walls we have in the English language! Many other walls come to mind—within these 4 walls (‘char diwari’ as we say in Hindi). While I was reading this nicely flowing piece you wrote, I was thinking about why we described the human nature with walls! Something I’ll ponder and research! We seem to have defined the wall metaphorically as something restrictive, but could there be another perspective? Your post has left me wondering today! Thanks!”

💬 Frank & Sincere

When I was working in Pune, I was with a friend of mine, and the conversation was about someone being unapologetically frank. Yes, the person in focus did not mince his words and did not particularly care about the hurt or embarrassment his frankness may have caused. An incident was recalled when Mr Frank, in an open meeting, put his superior’s idea down and made him his enemy forever. Interestingly, when this superior went to the CEO and complained about Mr Frank and how he called his idea foolish, the CEO, who knew the depth of knowledge that Mr Frank possessed, told the superior, “You got off lightly, he usually says stupid”.

This episode brings into sharp focus the importance of being knowledgeable and authoritative before offering a frank opinion. It follows that an honest person can afford to be frank.

In the guise of being frank, if a vengeful person puts somebody down, he is being guileful. Some people are frank and outspoken, yet they carry no ill will. In fact, I would consider them a safer bet than someone who says nice things to your face without sincerity.

Does this mean you can be frank without being sincere, or can you be sincere without being frank? It would seem so. Ms Frank is known for her blunt and straightforward nature, never afraid to speak her mind and tell it like it is. On the other hand, Ms Sincere is more reserved and thoughtful, often taking the time to choose her words before speaking. While Frank may come off as abrasive at times, Sincere is seen as more diplomatic and tactful in her interactions with others. Despite their differences, both Frank and Sincere bring unique perspectives to any given situation.

Who is more honest? Ms Frank or Ms Sincere? I would say both are honest and ought to be if they want to be what they are. Ms Frank is open, honest, and direct in speech or writing. Ms Sincere is caring, considerate, and truthful in actions and words. But both have strengths and weaknesses. Ms Frank is usually an extrovert and doesn’t mind being the centre of attraction. Ms Sincere prefers to appear reserved but will observe, reflect and participate in social situations. Both will have the same approach in work situations as well.

Can you call Ms Frank impulsive and Ms Sincere deliberate? Not really. Ms Frank is known for being direct and straightforward, but also transparent and honest with her opinion. In contrast, Ms Sincere values harmony and is keen not to ruffle feathers when choosing her words. She is diplomatic and is eager not to offend the people around her.

Some argue that there is a fine line between sincerity and frankness. They believe that both are honest, but frankness can come across as negative and critical, while sincerity conveys positivity and keeps feelings unruffled. They prefer a combination of both. Readers will agree that it is a tough ask. But then, the proponents of the combination would say there is an inherent overlap. A sincere person can also be frank in communication, while a frank person may also be sincere in their actions.

Who provides a better opportunity for course correction? Perhaps both. But Ms Frank may queer the pitch in favour of improvement by not just being critical, but by offering constructive suggestions if asked. Ms Sincere, on the other hand, may have words of caution but may not have an immediate answer to remedy a problem. However, she would be happy to work with the team to find one.

Some believe that a frank opinion may hurt but helps immediate course correction, whereas a sincere view may lull you into believing that you are doing OK, and a remedial measure like course correction may happen after a time lag.

While sincerity often implies positive emotions, frankness can come across as negative or critical. However, both sincerity and frankness require honesty and authenticity in communication. A combination of both can result in effective communication, where you express your thoughts and feelings truthfully while being considerate of other people’s feelings and perspectives.

Frankness, which is blunt honesty, can not only be harsh but downright devastating to hear. How can one avoid the complications of such honest communication and create an environment where our honesty actually allows everyone to grow? Does it lead to practising the philosophy contained in the Sanskrit Subhashita “priyam brooyat satyam brooyat, na brooyat satyamapriyam”, meaning “speak the truth if it is pleasant to hear, but not the truth that is unpleasant.”

What does candour mean to Ms. Frank & Ms. Sincere? The meaning of candour is clearly frankness or sincerity of expression; openness. So, both frankness and sincerity seem to find inspiration in candour, which is being frank and sincere with what is being communicated. So, being sincere means being honest and direct, but in a considerate way. By being frank, it’s quite possible to state something honestly without beating around the bush or being especially tactful.

My brother-in-law, who passed away some years ago, was such a person. I would feel very safe talking to him and getting his unqualified views on various matters, though at times I thought he could have put it differently and not so bluntly. He cared for me a lot when I was struggling and would change the topic if I tried to thank him. People who misunderstood him would later realise that his intentions were noble and that he was a well-meaning man who had no personal prejudices. If anyone asked for his opinion, he would tell them to their face.

I am sure readers can think of people in their lives who have been frank and who have been sincere. It is also possible that some may have displayed a hybrid nature of being sincerely frank or frankly sincere. For me, both Ms. Frank & Ms. Sincere are good to be in our lives, so long as we know whom to ask for an opinion or an answer to a question! I look forward to some frank opinions and sincere comments 😀

Let me be frank & sincere when I tell you I love PJs. So here’s a couple:

• When I travel by train, I am frank with other passengers, because I don’t want them to know my name.

• A robber enters an old couple’s home in the middle of the night. As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly, but now he is gonna have to kill them.
  “But before I do that,” says the robber, “I want to know your names. What’s your name, woman?”
  “Linda,” the wife replies meekly.
  “Well, that’s my mother’s name. I can’t kill you.”
  Then he turns to the husband and says, “And what’s your name?”
  “Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda.”

• Why do people write ‘sincerely’ at the end of a letter and not frankly? Because no one wants to end the letter bluntly.

Dear readers, please send in your comments. They can be either frankly sincere or sincerely frank.

Until next week, take care & be safe, Ciao!