Filter Coffee #032

On Grandparents

Dear friends,

You have been generous in your appreciation of 🔗 FC #31 which was about the ‘Balancing Act’. It seems to have resonated strongly with your own experiences in life. Upon reflection, I feel that writing each edition of FC is a balancing act, as I need to balance the time at my disposal between my professional and personal engagements. But it is an enjoyable pastime due entirely to your support.

On reading about my travails of suburban travel in Mumbai, a friend who lives in the city commented that the best and rather chilling balancing acts are those performed by daredevil commuters who sit on top of the train, hang on to the pole at the compartment entrance or cling on to the window ledge. I can endorse all that he says having seen them all myself. 

Believe me, Readers, the Mumbai suburban train is a great leveller. People have no choice but to meet on the level. I have seen, at least in the late 70s, a judge travelling by train not knowing that the guy next to him could either be an accused or complainant. Imagine if coincidentally the judge on his way back home finds himself seated next to the guy whom he released on bail! 

Having climbed the corporate ladder and gotten to where I am today, I feel like travelling again by the Borivali local to Malad to remind myself that ‘I have been there’ and experience that humbling effect all over again. I have many more stories about travelling by the ‘Mumbai Local’, and will happily share them in future editions. 

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👴🏾 👵🏽 Grandparents

Today is my granddaughter’s birthday, and I find myself reflecting on my role as a grandfather. When one becomes a grandparent it marks the entry into ‘irresponsible parenthood’. It isn't as bad as it sounds. It just means that we as grandparents indulge our grandchildren unmindful of our daughter telling us “Dad you are spoiling her!”

Grandparents living with their grandchildren are not just caregivers, but also provide certain intangible benefits. They can be playmates, storytellers or even clowns, depending on the age of their young charges. More importantly, grandparents can transmit family and personal values. I remember my maternal grandmother telling us stories from the epics and teaching us easy to comprehend Vedic chants. Unfortunately, I did not have the pleasure of the company of my paternal grandparents and my maternal grandfather, as they had been summoned to the abode above by the time I was born. So, some of my observations in this newsletter are based on my interaction with people close enough to share their take on grandparents. Nothing here is a generalisation and I welcome you to share your own comments and experiences.

Some grandparents are content with visitations and not move in to become babysitters. Others may be forced to travel all the way to a foreign land to look after the kids and become surrogate parents as both parents are working.

When I asked one such grandparent how it feels to be a ‘daycare grandparent’, the answer was a bit enigmatic. There was love for the grandchild but also resentment directed towards the parents for having to look after the child. This feeling was heightened when the grandparents did not have a home of their own.

And what about families with adopted children? How does one feel to be the grandparent of an adopted child? It’s rather difficult to answer. The adoptive parents themselves need to develop that parental bond with the child, let alone the grandparents. An adopted infant presents a greater possibility of that bond developing faster than an older kid. In addition, if the grandparents are living with an adopted infant, they tend to develop those bonds quickly and strongly. But if they are just visiting now and then, the bonding may not be as intense.

People may ask if maternal grandparents (particularly the maternal grandmother) are better placed in the family hierarchy than paternal grandparents. Given the tradition of the daughter staying with her parents during confinement and for a few months after delivering the child, the maternal grandparents tend to be more attached to the child than the paternal grandparents who are no doubt as happy as anyone can be.

My wife and I are maternal grandparents but we have always believed in respecting the space that our son and daughter’s families should have. We enjoy visiting them and are delighted when they visit but the thought of living together seemed so inconsistent with today’s nuclear family structure. Both my son and daughter would very much want us to be with them but then they do understand our preferences and respect our space. Moreover, I still consider myself a career grandfather and my wife, an excellent homemaker, keeps herself busy with teaching her students (including me 😁), knit club, book club, etc. 

I am reminded of the time my wife asked my mother to come and live with us in Mumbai. My mother responded “When I married, my desire was to be the undisputed mistress of the house, and however much I may seem as not interfering, you will never have that feeling of being the mistress of the house if I am around. My presence will obligate you to be accountable to me and I would feel obligated to unsolicitedly advise you.” All her life, my mother lived independently and enjoyed the company of umpteen visitors, including us, who came to see her.

Grandparental interference in the upbringing of grandchildren has a low parental tolerance, although there are of course exceptions. Interestingly, the tolerance is a notch higher if the grandparents are well-heeled and independent. But where the grandparents are dependent on the dole they get from their son or daughter, the relationship tends to become a bit transactional, though, again, there are exceptions. Quid pro quo may become the rule.

But the flip side is also true. I know of grandparents who are being looked after out of pure affection and a sense of duty. I have seen them being taken on holidays and in some cases even when they were bound to a wheelchair!

The plight of a single grandparent is rather dismal in more ways than one. Whether it is the grandmother or grandfather, the loss of a lifelong companion can be traumatic. With advancing age comes the need for higher medical care, not to mention the need for an attendant. There are many cases that all of us are witness to where the single grandparent ends up in a home for seniors. Rather tragic but practicality seems to numb the guilt of those who have to take that hard decision.

I am not sure how many of you have seen the 2003 Hindi movie Baghban. It is based on a story of two parents, who are also grandparents, being forced to live apart from each other when the father announces his retirement. It may sound a bit far fetched but reality can be stranger than fiction. It would appear that the economic independence of the grandparents is the key to preserving their self-esteem in their life after life. 

There is also a perceived distinction between a grandfather and grandmother. The former appears a bit formal or reserved when compared to the latter gushing with affection. The grandmother may also be accused of overindulgence and interference in bringing up the grandchildren. Then again, I have known couples who have been quite happy to let their parents bring up their children. It is ultimately a matter of compatibility.

🤣 Grandparent's Funny Answering Machine

Having said some serious stuff let me sign off with a funny answering machine of Western grandparents who live happily all by themselves:

Good morning! At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. *Beeeeep*

1. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

2. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

3. If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

4. If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4.

5. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

6. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

7. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

8. If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

9. If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, take us to a restaurant, start talking - we are listening! 

Until next week, please take good care of yourself!