Filter Coffee #095

On Thinking Before You Speak

Dear Readers,

Many of you found the 94th edition — “Nothing Comes From Nothing” — interesting, which proved that something comes out of nothing when you write something about nothing. Thank you!

• Tarun Kunzru put it succinctly: “If you don't buy a lottery ticket, you can't hope to win a lottery!”

• Ashvini says: “In Hindu philosophy, when something seems to come from nothing, we attribute it to good deeds done in the past life!”

• Arun Narain comments mirthfully: "What are you thinking? … Nothing" is a state that I want to be in… so that when my wife asks me that question, I need not lie :)
  Another famous quote is "Nothing is impossible". This one always tickles me because nothing is possible, as I've been doing nothing for the last couple of weeks.”

• Nisha says: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

• Niharika says: “So, something came out of the void created by the pandemic. We gained knowledge from your posts on a variety of subjects.”

🤐 Pensa Prima Di Parlare

The English equivalent of this Italian proverb is “Think Before You Speak”. I have learned to do this the hard way after having found myself in awkward situations, but I don’t claim to have perfected the art of ‘thought before expression’. In my formative years, I have found myself in situations where the motor of my mouth has run even before my brain was in gear. 

I have discovered a lot of merit in being able to control speech from pre-empting thoughts. I speak from my own experiences and to that extent this post is like a confessional. I have heard of, and have learned, a few techniques that help resist the impulse to articulate mindlessly and encourage you to articulate mindfully. Some of these are: 

• Take a deep breath before you speak. You may have a change of mind in that one breath.

• Bite your tongue and your sound byte could be different 

• Say ‘Let me think’ if someone is expecting you to agree with him. It may help you come up with a tactful and measured response.

• Say ‘I don’t know much to offer any comment’ if you wish to avoid getting into a discussion. 

• Above all, listen carefully and don’t say what immediately comes to your mind. Remember the ‘foot in the mouth’ disease — you don’t want that!

Impulsive speech occurs in very different situations, and the provocation to speak impulsively also varies from context to context. Let me present a few scenarios when speech overtakes thought.

Something private & confidential: We all have our private moments and matters that we would like to keep under wraps. Sometimes we are privy to information that was given to us in strict confidence. Many of us are tempted (or itching?) to share it with someone who we assume can be relied on to keep it to himself.

Without realising the consequence of violating this confidence, we tend to share it under the belief that it goes no further. But precisely the opposite happens. Sooner or later, you realise that your impulse has resulted in the loss of confidence in you by the person who entrusted you with the information under a sworn obligation of secrecy in the first place.

Dropping a brick: The phrase to drop a brick means to commit a blunder, to make a tactless or indiscreet remark. I am reminded of a humorous scene in a Kannada drama. A rather dimwitted fellow Gundanna is well-to-do, and he lends his coat to his friend so that he can appear well-dressed when he goes to see a girl, a potential match. But the condition was that Gundanna should also be taken along. Left with no choice, they take him along, but caution him not to say a word about the coat. On arriving at the girl's house, the pleasantries are exchanged and casually, the girl’s father asks Gundanna “can you tell us how you are related to the boy?” Gundanna rattles off: “He is my friend, Sir. The pant, shirt, and shoes are his. Don’t ask me about the coat. I have been asked to not say a word about it.”

Many of you have come across such brick droppers. They will unwittingly or rather mindlessly (perhaps even innocently) say something that betrays the suspenseful ending of a film or a planned surprise party or something which is supposed to be under wraps.

Being Blunt: How many of us can tolerate someone who makes a virtue of saying or expressing something in a very direct way that may upset us? The ‘blunt’ guys have no qualms in calling spade a spade. Interestingly, blunt guys do not volunteer a blunt statement but, usually, give it to you when you ask for it. So, should you be asking for a blunt answer? I have had to, many times, ‘bear the blunt’ (my play on the idiom ‘bear the brunt’). Imagine a situation wherein a few of us are discussing a particular subject and someone makes a random statement that betrays his lack of understanding of the subject. Perhaps it is best to let it pass. But the blunt guy would say, “What a moron you are! Don’t display your ignorance.” This can be very awkward. The simple rule is, don’t say something that hurts, even if it is true.

Interviews: All of us have, at one stage of life or the other, attended interviews. We anticipate questions and go well-prepared. This helps us to formulate our answers carefully. Despite this, an unexpected question could take us by surprise. It is unwise to try and answer it without thinking through it. It would be better to say ‘Sorry, I don’t have an answer for that right now’. 

‘I don’t know’ does not betray ignorance. It only goes to show that the person is sincere. 

Trying to guess an answer may boomerang, and the interviewer may bluntly tell the person, “If you don’t know the answer, say so. Don’t try to fool us into believing that you know the answer.”

Being honest is an aspect of integrity.

Writing impulsively: These are the days of instant messaging, and we should all be wary of the problems one can get into by writing something impulsively. The fingers mechanically type out a message without application of mind. One must recognise two problems of instant messaging, particularly if you are trading charges. One’s emotion can get the better of one’s mind, and the person receiving it may understand it differently. I remember someone texting a message in capital letters and getting a response of ‘don’t shout’. I was unaware of this. In this digital age, not only one should think before texting, but also think before posting it. If you read what you wrote, chances are that you decide not to send it or change the words to take the edge off them.

Giving a Speech: We have often seen people reading out what is known as a ‘prepared speech’.

This is a product of deep thinking and for ensuring that no faux paux is committed. There are many who think they have the gift of the gab and speak impromptu. The focus is on oratory and not the message they wish to convey. Politicians these days are known to court controversy by getting carried away as they speak. Sometimes what they say is laughable. The other day I went to a crematorium and was surprised to see a huge plaque containing a dozen names, right from a senior minister to a local corporator, who were called to inaugurate that facility. I wonder what kind of speeches were made! I wonder who all were invited! I won’t be surprised if during the speech, the minister urged the invitees and their families to make use of the facility!

Abraham Lincoln said:  "When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two-thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one third thinking about what I want to say."

Speaking when angry: This is best avoided. A heated exchange of words is a recipe for total estrangement and enmity. If tempers are allowed to cool down, there is hope for creating a better understanding and appreciating where each party is coming from. There is a saying that the tongue has no bones, but it can still break a heart.

Please consider  what William Ward, a missionary, said:

Before you speak, listen.

Before you write, think.

Before you spend, earn.

Before you invest, investigate.

Before you criticize, wait.

Before you pray, forgive.

Before you quit, try.

Before you retire, save.

Before you die, give.

As FC 95 was taking shape, Queen Elizabeth turned 96 on the 21st of April.

Dear readers, thinking makes all the difference to what you say and what you write, and more importantly, thinking helps you to keep that mask on. See you next week!