Filter Coffee # 200

On Kindness

But for my readers egging me on, I don’t think I would have reached this milestone. On July 05, 2020, I published FC 001. Four years have passed, unbeknownst. 

• The Silver Jubilee edition posted on December 20, 2021, was more of a recap of the previous posts.

• The Golden Jubilee edition was posted on June 12, 2021, and the topic was ‘Rhyme or Reason’. 

• The Diamond Jubilee edition was posted on December 04, 2021, and the topic was “Diamond in the Rough”

• The Centenary edition was posted on May 28, 2022, and the topic was ‘Taking to the Hills’. I headed out to Meghalaya and wrote about it in FC 100.

• I developed writer's block and posted an unnumbered edition called ‘Filter Coffee Break’ on June 04, 2022, and after a 4-week break, inspired and rejuvenated by the urging of my readers, I resumed and posted the 101st FC on July 02, 2022

• The 125th edition was posted on Dec 24, 2022, and the topic was ‘Brevity is the soul of wit’.

• The 150th was on ‘Some Straw Thoughts’ and was posted on June 24, 2023.

• The 175th was posted on Dec 16, 2023, after I visited Nagaland, and it was on ‘The Hornbill Festival’.

I was in a dilemma about what might be a befitting topic for the 200th edition. Thinking hard, my mind went blank. I logged off and went for a walk. As I walked, some ideas came, and I gave them some thought before deciding to write on:

❤️Kindness

There’s more to life than mirthful moments. It’s a mixed bag. You may cry in pain, in anguish and grief. You feel guilty about something you neglected or did without paying heed to advice or the consequences of your action. You regret or rejoice. The range of emotions that you experience in life is remarkable. But what stands out is an act of kindness. Many lead a life caring for the people around them, and many choose to be self-centric and have no qualms trampling over others if it helps them advance their cause. In this 200th edition, I thought of emphasising the attribute of kindness in its materialistic and altruistic dimensions.

Let me start with the poem Kindness penned by Naomi Shihab Nye (b 1952), an American poet, born in Missouri of Palestinian & American parentage. The poem underscores the need to be kind to all around us. This poem talks about the value of kindness. Though she refers to a bygone era, the fifties, what is said in the poem is more relevant today, when people have no time to pause and reflect on the importance of kindness.

You can read the poem or 🔗listen to Naomi reciting it on YouTube. I will quote a few lines from that poem, which may resonate with our idea of ‘kindness’:

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

‘Lose things’ as I understand, is not to be possessive or selfish. Readers may have come across this hypothesis, “The value of a thing is known when it is lost”. One must feel deprived to understand what it is to be deprived. A depraved person cannot be expected to feel for the deprived. Deprivation leads to sorrow. Naomi says, “You must know sorrow” to be able to cultivate kindness as a humane quality. I am reminded of that famous quote attributed to Shakespeare: “I cried when I had no shoes, but I stopped crying when I saw a man without legs. Life is full of blessings, sometimes we don't value it.”

The longing for shoes is replaced by the realisation that I am blessed with two feet, but I don’t value it until I have seen a man without legs. This ties in with what Naomi says. One should experience a sense of loss before being kind to someone. Most of us fail to appreciate the many things we should be grateful for, and instead vie for something that someone else has. 

Kindness is not about condescending. That’s where one needs to differentiate sympathy from empathy, taking a hint from Naomi. Empathy is when you have experienced a loss or can put yourself in the shoes of a person in some form of distress. Sympathy is an expression of pity or compassion. If I have understood Naomi, kindness is relatable more to empathy than sympathy. Empathy is when you reach out to someone with a helping hand as opposed to sympathy where you may feel sorry for someone or something but do nothing more.

Kindness can be intrinsic to one’s nature, but it loses its sheen if it is in expectation of an extrinsic recognition or reward. For instance, if I wish to donate a sum for a good cause and expect to be recognised or some form of ego massage, my kindness is not intrinsic but is founded on extrinsic considerations. Put simply, the intrinsic act of kindness stems from an internal desire and is an unconditional and selfless act. An extrinsic act of kindness is invariably associated with something in return.

Take the example of the oft-quoted phrase “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” It represents two aspects of kindness. One is transient, and the other is enduring. Helping that person earn his living and feed himself makes the outcome of that kindness enduring.

Is there something known as misplaced kindness? I would think so. Many peddling sob stories would exploit your vulnerable disposition as a kind person. They even make you feel guilty for not giving in to their expectations. This happens when out of kindness you lend money. Lend you may, but not before writing off that amount. I do that. Expecting it to be returned is to harbour a hope that is more than likely to be shattered. Please take time out to 🔗read this post from October 2020 on neither a borrower nor a lender be.

How does one differentiate a deserving case from an undeserving one? Should alms-seekers at the traffic light be encouraged or shooed away? Is kindness like a one-size-fits-all hat? Maybe I am too soft, but at times I end up giving something if that person’s plight touches a chord, though I have been told many times not to encourage begging. 

Should discretion influence kindness? If yes, is that discretion subjective or objective? In my view, an act of kindness is impulsive, stemming from one’s own life experience. As Naomi says, you relate your plight of the past to the present need of the person in need of help.

Should someone appeal to your kindness, or does the situation itself appeal to you? I think the answer to this lies in your proximity to a given situation. You can either volunteer to help, or your help may be sought by some other person. Being kind is not a judgemental act, but one which is triggered by your compassion. There have been times when I have tried to judge if the person deserved my help and when the opportunity passed, I regretted not helping him. Guilty conscience? Maybe. Conscience is at the heart of kindness, if I may say so.

Kindness is never misplaced if it means helping someone to pursue studies. In the Vedas, kindness is referred to as Daya Pushpam considered the best among all flowers to be offered to the almighty.

I will conclude this post with a few other lines from Naomi’s poem:

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be.

This is not to be taken literally but metaphorically. Imagine what you had is all lost. You can quickly relate to people who lost everything they had under circumstances over which they had no control. You can feel for their loss and how desolate their future can be.

Dear readers, I cannot end this post without thanking each one of you for your kind and constant encouragement. I thank my wife for introducing me to Naomi’s poem. Kindly write in and tell me how you liked this 200th edition. See you next week. Ciao

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” —The Dalai Lama