Filter Coffee # 217

On Marriages — Made in Heaven?

Morrisville, North Carolina

FC 216 on headwinds & tailwinds struck a chord with the readers and I feel rewarded. I’m now in the midst of the celebrations and trying to write a post that makes some sense. If I disappoint you, I blame it on the crosswinds I encountered.

We attended the marriage of my grand nephew with his soulmate. Witnessing two young people getting hitched is always a delight. The combination of merriment, song & dance, the chanting of the sacred hymns and the exchange of rings and vows took me back to when I got married. When I look back, our collaborative efforts have been instrumental in keeping alive our matrimony though, I confess, my wife played a larger role in keeping our lifeboat on an even keel.

Before I continue writing, I would like to thank the readers for sharing their views on FC 216.

• Shahji Jacob says: “I read FC 216 with great interest. The Chinese saying reminds me of the difference between a pessimist and an optimist. I liked your piece on headwinds and Tailwinds. I also loved the difference between infatuation and plain love. I find such information only in your writings.”

• Lakshmi Raman says: “Which enables us to make a decision or chart a course - headwinds or tailwinds, who knows. Only in retrospect can time tell. But I know that the wind beneath my wings will carry me forward when I commit to a certain course.”

• Ashvini Ranjan says: “Life isn't just about headwinds and tailwinds pushing us around. The crosswinds, the sudden gusts, and those sneaky little bumps of turbulence throw us for a loop. I imagine the Big Guy up there having a good chuckle watching us zigzag our way through life, desperately trying for a soft landing. So, my advice? Keep the seatbelt of reason & prudence fastened. life’s going to be a bumpy ride!”

• G E Mathew,  whom I have known ever since I was a tenant of his father in Cox Town in 1986, has succinctly put his comment thus: “I had both headwind and tailwind in life. Now it is calm.”
  I am happy to know that George.

👰🤵Marriages — Made in Heaven?

The English proverb “marriages are made in heaven” is said to originate from a French proverb from the early sixteenth century which reads “Les mariages se font au Ciel”. Later it was expanded to read “Marriages are made in heaven but consummated on earth”. Sceptics rubbish this as an absurdity and the cynics may believe that the proverb was invented to endorse holy matrimony, but perhaps the proverb simply implies that there is some divine intervention when two people meet and get married. 

Matchmaking has been the eternal endeavour of elders in the family. No one can divine the intentions behind their interventions. I remember attending weddings where there was a convergence of would-be brides and grooms. In those days parents of the bride were on the lookout for a suitable match and the parents of the boy were sitting smugly, waiting for someone to approach them with the ‘best offer’.The wedding venue was a hunting ground for both parties. 

Marriage bureaus came subsequently but were edged out by matrimonial websites like shaadi.com. But what has remained is the practice of matching the horoscopes to determine if the match had the support and blessings of the stars and the planets. This was another way of testing if the proposed match had the blessings of heaven. The practice of horoscope matching is on the wane largely for the reason that ‘jaataka’, aka horoscope, was being written soon after birth, by tracking the stars and planets that ruled at the time of birth. This practice itself is selectively pursued. People have diverse opinions if this is bad or good. Even today some continue to hold that a person born when planet Mars ruled has to find a bride or groom as the case may be, who was also born when the same planet ruled.

It is very interesting that some horoscopes have been written (or re-written) much later in life only for the purposes of matrimony as some would continue to insist on matching the horoscope. I have been privy to an instance of a girl known to me being rejected by the boy’s parents for reasons of mismatch. Someone told me that to avoid explanation for not accepting a proposal, horoscope mismatch was cited as the reason by many.

I have known people who don’t know their gotra ie lineage and the nakshatram or star that shone when the child was born. Gotra played a role, particularly among Hindus. The age-old belief that we are all descendants of a particular Rishi would decide the Gotra to which we belong — Bharadwaja, Koundinya, Harita, etc. Marriage within the same Gotra (also sagotra or sapinda) is not encouraged and is considered consanguineous as both the groom-to-be and the bride-to-be are considered descendants of the same Rishi. Here again, the skeptics question the existence of such a lineage and the cynics would say it is a rule of avoidance.

There is no assurance that an arranged marriage will be a roaring success and there is no reason to believe that a love marriage is doomed to be a failure. There are success stories and dismal tales in both forms of marriage. The popular adages ‘love first, marry later’ and ‘marry first love later’ are indicative of individual preferences. I remember seeing a video clip in which young men and women were asked “Which is better, love marriage or arranged marriage?”. I thought the majority would prefer a love marriage, but when probed, some of the respondents clarified that they would want to marry someone they liked but with the approval of the family. Runaway couples are not uncommon, but if they are not emotionally strong and are unable to brave the familial tensions, their relationship could come under strain. This is very pronounced in the case of inter-caste or inter-faith marriages when both or one of both families are opposed to the marriage,

I have seen many successful and not-so-successful marriages both within my family and among other families. The wife suffered silently in some marriages and even put on a facade of normalcy. In many others, it was pretty much on an even keel. In certain others, the wife was the dominating partner. Ultimately, besides love, it was ‘compatibility’ that played out most strongly.

Here, I am not referring to just the emotional and behavioural aspects, though they are relevant. I have seen intellectual incompatibility, envious disposition, and economic dependency putting the marriage under strain. It is not as if they are impossible to overcome. Early recourse to counselling will help stem any distrust or discordance that looms large over the matrimonial home. Counselling helps people see the problem from a bilateral perspective rather than view it as adversarial. If both are strong-headed and unrelenting, the problems magnify themselves, and so, they must not hesitate to take recourse to counselling.

Another reason for a marriage to thrive or wilt is the joint family system. Many women love to set up their own homes and want to be able to enjoy matrimony without being inhibited by people around them. Recently, a couple that I know well decided to leave the joint family household as it had become stifling — particularly for the wife — not only in terms of spousal privacy but also due to the overbearing presence of the in-laws. Yet, in another instance, a girl was fortunate to get caring in-laws who provided her with invaluable family support and tended to her kids when she went to work. This is again a matter of adjustments and compatibility. One of the reasons that families are increasingly going nuclear is that managing emotions in a joint family can be a challenge. But if people are tolerant, understanding and respectful of others’ preferences on all sides, it can be done. My wife once told me that a marriageable girl asked the would-be groom who proposed to her, “Are your parents in the hall or on the wall?” That sounded terrible but the girl perhaps was making it clear that she couldn’t be moving in and living with his parents!

Another thing that can spoil a marriage, for example, is the doubly backward belief that the wife is to blame for not producing a male child (without realizing that failure to produce the Y chromosome would be his physiological ‘failure’, if anyone’s). Alcoholism, drugs, and of course adulterous behaviour can disintegrate a family, and in most cases, the wife is at the receiving end. The dissolution of marriages is on the rise, in relative terms. 

Family courts are getting busier by the day dealing with maintenance claims, judicial separations, and worst of all, custody battles. However, there are many success stories of counselling and mediation putting the marriage back on track. There are also instances when both parties displayed a great deal of maturity and parted ways amicably through divorce by mutual consent.

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship more so in the case of marriages. This promotes emotional security. But in today’s world, financial security is indispensable. I believe that no woman should be at the mercy of a husband even if the relationship is on an even keel. It is also important the personal finances of each spouse are kept separate however close they are. Many couples indeed buy property in their joint names regardless of their individual contribution to make up the purchase consideration. It is always good to memorialise such transactions, for the sake of posterity.

The other day a husband came to me seeking my advice on getting back the house from his estranged wife which house he had bought in joint names though the wife did not contribute. All the property records were in joint names and the wife was demanding 50% of the share in that house. I explained to him the difficulty of navigating the legal landscape and disproving the wife’s entitlement and that he should arrive at a negotiated settlement. He did, sold the property and shared the proceeds at 70:30.

One can present a variety of matrimonial relationships replete with disagreements leading to separation. Many consciously resolved the disagreements resulting in a greater understanding and respect for each others’ opinions.

What might eventually strike a balance is the respect the spouses have for their respective spaces. I am happy to hear from my readers. Now to end on a lighter vein,

1. When asked, “Why don’t you marry?”
   Smart Alec said: “Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering”.

2. Soon after he was married, the husband who was quite a ladies man before, stopped wearing his wedding ring.
   "Why don't you ever wear your ring?" the wife asked.
   "It cuts off my circulation," he replied.
   The wife was quick to say: "It's supposed to."

3. When asked, “What's the difference between love and marriage?”
   Smart Alec said, “ Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!”

Dear Readers, If you don’t see my post on the 12th of October, it will be because I will be on the flight from Atlanta to Bengaluru. 

As an aside, all over the US, Halloween, which is due on October 31st, is being welcomed much in advance with different kinds of eerie installations.  If you are keen to know more about Halloween you may try this link: 🔗The History of Samhain and Halloween!

Do take good care of yourself and please share your experiences about matrimony. Your narratives may well help me produce a placeholder post! Until then Ciao!