Filter Coffee #245

On 'Leave It'

Bengaluru

• Lakshmi Raman: “Ah, that was a serious (but not solemn) cup of coffee, differentiating between sympathy and empathy. Once thought to be a quality of women, empathy is today being valued highly in the work world. Employees are quitting their jobs because they do not experience empathy from their bosses. To be understood and empathised with is valued as much as monetary rewards. So now there are training programs to make HR heads and bosses sensitive and empathic to their personnel, something that comes naturally to a human being when they see someone in distress.”

• Damandeep: “I relate to what Lakshmi Raman shared. There was a time (and still is) when emotions were labelled as a woman’s domain—and showing them, like crying at a movie, was seen as a weakness. Today, at least in schools and progressive corporations (less so in promoter-led setups), empathy is expected. For women, empathy has long been a double-edged sword: natural, yet undervalued. Now, it’s finally being recognised as a leadership strength, though it remains tough because we often carry both our own emotions and those of others.”

• S G Murali: “Super, Pras. As one grows old in life and/or moves up in a corporate life, EQ is more important than IQ. Empowerment and empathy are fundamental for success in a professional career.”

• Murali Neelakantan: “Dear Pras, amazingly, you can find something that hits deep every Sunday. The sympathy v empathy discussion has always been a tough one. And to complicate it further, I thought I would add compassion to it. The Dalai Lama has been a strong advocate for compassion, and I find it a more powerful and also more difficult quality to nurture in oneself. Perhaps one of your posts will be on compassion.”

💭 Leave It

What does this oft-heard ordinary expression stand for? Does it mean ‘give up’ or ‘forget it’ or ‘agree-to-disagree’ or ‘no comments’ or ‘withdraw’ or ‘disengage’ or is it just being dismissive?

Could it also mean, depending on the context, to relinquish, yield, leave, resign, surrender, cede, abandon, or waive? I am fascinated by the range of use of this very ordinary expression. We use it or hear it in different contexts. If we pause to think, we can sense an emotion behind it, and that may differ from situation to situation. So, let me present a few, and you, readers, please supplement.

I am watching a family of four, a couple and two young kids, ordering what I thought was a bit too much for four. I couldn't help noticing it as I was sitting just behind, I think, the father and could hear clearly. Four different starters came first and were eaten up with gusto and washed down, as the choice may be, with Coke or Sprite, or still water or beer. There was some discussion about the mains, and the man was outvoted 3:1. The woman and the kids ordered what they fancied, and the man ordered just a salad. Going by my experience, he was planning to eat what was left unfinished. Like Dhoni, he was hoping to be the finisher. Mains came, and the initial enthusiasm waned with each mouthful, and soon the kids and the lady gave up.

The man looked at the leftovers and gave up the idea of finishing. It’s amazing how our stomachs, though full, can accommodate dessert. A waiter came, and before ordering the dessert, the man asked that the leftovers be packed. The lady promptly vetoed and challenged him, “Are you going to eat all that at home? We are not. Leave it”. The expression ‘leave it’ in the context did two things. The kids felt it was ok to waste food, and the man felt guilty for letting all that good and pricey food be trashed.

Two guys get into an auto-rickshaw and get busy discussing something. They assume they will be charged by the meter. At the destination, the auto driver demands an unreasonable sum. One of them is taken aback and starts to question the excessive charging. More exchanges follow. The guy tells the driver that he will note down the number and complain. The auto driver challengingly offers his pen and asks him to write down the number. His gumption riles the guy. The other guy intervenes and tugs at the shirt of his friend and says, “Leave it, I will pay. Let’s go”. The expression ‘leave it’ is now an abject surrender to a demand by a guy who has scant respect for rules.

A guy is driving along M G Road, and a shiny Merc passes by him, and the Merc driver rolls down the window and spits. Our guy, very civic conscious, finds it repulsive. It so happens that this guy's car and the Merc are side-by-side at the Mayo Hall traffic light. Our guy rolls his window down and gestures to the merc driver to do likewise, and that done, our guy tells him, “Sir, you drive a Merc and are educated. Why do you spit out of the window?”. The Merc driver glares at our guy, gets out of the car and spits on the bonnet of our guy’s car, gets in his car as the light turns green and drives off. Our guy is livid and wants to chase and catch him at the next light. His wife, sensing it will be another road rage, says “Leave it”. Letting someone get away with such an undignified act is not a case of discretion being the better part of valour.

Two lady employees meet over coffee, and one of them is visibly agitated. When probed, she narrates the sexual harassment that she was subjected to and is determined to file a complaint before the designated committee. The other lady is also quite upset, but knowing that the lech is high up in the organisational hierarchy, she says filing a complaint will trigger a series of accusatory encounters, and it will be an emotional drain, and it may result in the wronged being labelled wrong. “Leave it”, she says, “ask for a transfer or look elsewhere.” The predator is now on the prowl, with renewed confidence in the inefficacy of the system.

Does this not remind us of the challenge of taking on an organisation? People are known to leave an organisation due to a difference of opinion, or harassment by the boss, or being overlooked for promotion or vindictive termination of services on flimsy grounds? If one did take on the organisation and sued, the organisation that you join next may be wary of someone coming in with a fight with the previous employer. So, in most cases, the aggrieved employee is asked to ‘leave it’.

‘Leave it’ can also mean a waiver. Someone takes your house on rent. He is a very nice guy on the day of signing the lease. You are happy. In due course, the payment of rent becomes irregular, and after a few months, it stops completely. You try calling the tenant, sending him text messages, and even sending him an email. Nothing works, and months pass by. You have a deposit equal to 6 months’ rent. You write to him and threaten that he will forfeit it. Nothing works.

You decide to meet him somehow, only to be told that you are free to do what you want.

You go to the lawyer, file eviction proceedings, and claim all the rent that has fallen in arrears. As it happens these days, the matter is referred to mediation, and during the mediation, the tenant is unrelenting in his efforts to defeat your claim and leave you exhausted.

Finally, the mediator tells you that the tenant is willing to vacate the premises at the end of the month, provided you give up your claim for the arrears of rent, and, to add insult to injury, you are asked to return the deposit and not claim any compensation for any damage caused to the house. You are aghast, and you turn to your lawyer, who says, “Leave it, be happy you are getting back your house.” You accept a wave of waivers, and still pay your lawyer a tidy sum for his sage wisdom of asking you to ‘leave it’!

Any discussion, be it political, academic or social, will have someone asserting their views, not realising that they need to consider your views. A stage comes when he wears you out, and you say ‘leave it’ to indicate that you do not wish to continue with the discussion any further. The expression is also handy if you wish to avoid a conflict or escalation. When someone is persistently speaking ill of someone, you are most likely to say, “Leave it, man, why go on and on about that guy? Just ignore”

You find that your housekeeping person has been manipulating the accounts and siphoning off a sizeable amount. You discuss with a friend whether a police complaint should be filed. Your friend who has had a bad experience of dealing with the cops says, “Leave it, just get him to leave”. Hmm, not too many of us are keen to go to the cops, where tables get turned! Dear readers, there are umpteen situations when you can use this expression. Please share your experience. Like it or leave it, here’s the poet in me penning a limerick.

There was a man called Jadit
With an argument, he had it
He tried one last time
But his reason did not rhyme
He threw up his hand and said, 'Leave it'

Dear Readers, see you next week. Until then, take care and be safe. Ciao!