Bengaluru
FC 248 by Ashvin deserves a living eulogy. His treatment of the subject was powerful and resonated with all the readers. Thank you, Ashvin.
Damandeep: “This made me pause and think - why even create an occasion? Shouldn’t seeing people, affirming them, saying ‘you mattered’, be the most instinctive? But it doesn’t come naturally to most - ironic! What we humans always need—especially as we age—isn’t grandeur, but presence. Validation. Proof we still matter. Telling someone what they mean shouldn’t be reserved for an occasion. It should be a habit. A return to something we were never meant to leave behind: noticing each other, while we still can.”
Preeta Narain, who wrote the guest post “For the love of a dog” (FC 243), is celebrating her birthday today. Team FC wishes her all the best and looks forward to another post from her in the not-too-distant future.
🤝Bonding
Dear Readers, on the 11th of May, the day FC 248 hit your inbox, I was driving down from Ashtamudi to Trivandrum Airport to catch an Indigo flight back to Bangalore. Catching the flight was a matter of course, but catching a bug on that flight was a curse. It’s amazing how a common cold can have such uncommon effects. The wise doctor says, “Don’t count on tablets; count nine days, for that’s how long this will linger.” So, as I post, it is Day 8.
Word went around about my cold and fever in the family, and warm enquiries followed. With a nasal twang, I thanked everyone for their unsolicited remedies. Here are some of them for your future experimentation:
“Drink ginger tea”
“Honey & Lemon will clear up your clogged sinus”
“Drink Turmeric Latte if you are not lactose intolerant”
“Steam inhalation will do you good”
“Don’t go to a doctor, he will ask you to take antibiotics. Just apply Vicks, have some Mulligatawny (pepper rasam) and rest.”
The one that left me breathless was the advice from a super senior citizen. He asked me to buy ‘Kabasura Kudineer’ on Amazon. I looked it up. It is a Siddha formulation that contains 15 famous herbs, each with multiple medicinal uses. It is very famous in Tamil Nadu and is used for treating respiratory problems like cough, cold, breathing problems, and fever and also for improving immunity. It contains ginger, clove, ajwain, and 12 other ayurvedic herbs. If you are a fan of herbal concoctions, please see 🔗15 Top Uses Of Kabasura Kudineer - Wildturmeric
At the other end of the spectrum was my friend, who thought I was mimicking a Yankee with my nasal twang, and after some leg-pulling, he suggested sipping two pegs of brandy with hot water and a slice of lime in it. I thought, in spirit, it was a good suggestion 🙂
The care & concern that each caller displayed was touching. It showed the bond people have with others, which plays out in moments of both joy and gloom. The word that came to my mind was ‘bonding’, a process of development of a close interpersonal relationship between two or more people, most commonly between family members or friends.
The day FC 248 was posted was also ‘Mother's Day’. The maternal bond is the purest of all, and it manifests in all forms from the time the umbilical cord is cut to even after her maker calls her away. My mother had a home remedy for all ailments, and she could name the herbs as we walked any garden path. She passed on some of her knowledge to my sister and my wife. My mother’s recipe for a Kashayam (A herbal decoction) is even now quite popular in the family. My cousin Jagadeesh (may his soul rest in peace) was quick to realise that the huge repository of home remedies that my mother possessed would be lost if it were not chronicled properly. He incorporated much of my mother’s knowledge into his magnum opus, Nature’s Way.
Jagadeesh is even today identified with ‘Jag Therapy’, a means to create awareness of common ailments and their natural remedies. His 500-page book, Nature’s Way, is a repository of natural remedies, wellness practices and yoga. If you are keen to get a copy, you may write to 🔗jagtherapy@gmail.com. It is available for a donation of Rs. 2000 to the trust that continues the good work by providing treatment free of cost.
‘Out of sight, out of mind’ is an oft-heard grievance of many who feel forgotten by those whom they love. Visibility seems to be the key to keeping someone in mind. It has been more than 15 years since I moved from Mumbai to Bangalore. The number of people who continue to be in touch with me is considerably less than the number of people I interact with socially. Maybe I have time at my disposal, and they are busy with their professions.
Bonding is a two-way street. The back-and-forth exchange of pleasantries, news, and the like keeps the bond strong and active. I have a strong bond with my children and the grandchildren.
It should not be assumed that it is a natural phenomenon. Far from it. The fact that you are related does not make bonding automatic. There’s a lot of emotional investment needed to secure that bond. The other day, my granddaughter called to enquire about my cold. It warmed my heart and perked me up.
As I know, some siblings have bonded more with the mother or the father. The male sibling is wary of the stern demeanour of the father and leans more towards the mother. The female sibling seems to dissipate that demeanour and loves the attention she gets from the father.
I cannot say the same about certain other friends and relatives. It is not as if they don’t care. Caring and bonding are a tad bit different in their intensity and outreach. Proximity and frequency of interaction underscore bonding. I have many nephews and nieces, but I don’t see them bonding as I would’ve liked. They exchange pleasantries on the rare occasions when they meet, but make no serious effort to stay connected and develop a bond.
If you wish to confide in someone, you invariably look for someone with whom you have bonded. You can expect that person to keep in confidence what you might share with him, or he may be able to help you declutter your mind and allay your apprehensions.
Some people are tied down by circumstances, and they live under the shadow of another person. They end up either being servitors or dependent on that person for their existence. Some get obligated and do the bidding of others. Such relationships are more like bondage.
I am sure many of you have read the famous novel 🔗Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. Though the author insisted that it was not an autobiography, the narrative was very telling of his childhood and his later adult life. Having lost both his parents, he was sent to live with his aunt and uncle. He endured a cold relationship and suffered inwardly. The novel goes on to narrate his dalliances and rejections. He never did bond with anyone, but felt he was in a state of being bound, albeit unwillingly.
There’s a movie by the same name on YouTube, you can watch it here: 🔗Of Human Bondage (1934) - Full Movie | Bette Davis & Leslie Howard | Classic Drama
While bonding is an uninhibited relationship, bondage reeks of inhibitions. Interdependency is not bonding but more a bondage. ‘You need me more than I need you’ approach points to servitude. Bonding is not a one-way street, but bondage can be. Some people make a person so obligated to them that the bond that may have previously existed between them becomes a bondage.
The exploitation of servants is a classic example of bondage. In today’s time, the master & servant relationship is transactional, and neither the master nor the servant can claim to have bonded with one another. Of course, there are instances where someone is very loyal and serves a person all their life, but even then, it cannot be assumed that there exists a bond. They may not have had a choice other than to resign to their fate of existential dependence.
They say familiarity breeds contempt. If one is bonding big time, they must respect the lines that restrain one from taking undue liberties. One should give the other person what they need. Intrusiveness and over-inquisitiveness strain the fabric of the bond. It is important to remember that taking a relationship for granted does not promote bonding.
Let me end in a lighter vein. I am a feminist and don’t mind some occasional, light-hearted male-bashing. Here is a piece that I came across:
Women are empathic, men are pathetic.
Male bonding consists of hitting each other on the shoulder, swearing a lot, and talking about the latest IPL game, while guzzling beer.
Female bonding is another thing altogether. It consists of expressing emotions from despair to bliss, talking of inner feelings and personal relationships, and, of course, talking about how clueless men are.
Please write in your comments. See you next week. Until then, take care and be safe. Ciao!
Loved your wonderful piece on Bonding in this edition of FC on a lovely morning post a rainy night with birds chirping on the trees outside my balcony . Bonding is soo important in today’s busy world and will overcome all negative feelings and a feeling of isolation . Hoping you bounce back completely after your bout of flu! Cheers !
A wonderfully penned article sensitive & a pleasure to read as always. On a lighter note regarding the flu (Cold,cough) you had if I had know my remedy in days gone by. Doctors brandy 60ml, 90ml hot water with a clove and teaspoon of honey 2 shots and you are as good as new haha. Nowadays i just sip hot water with honey and clove works wonders it kills the bacteria/virus or at least inhibits it's persistence (this was told to me by a doctor friend).