Despite having other fish to fry, some of my readers found time to send their comments on FC 178. A tongue-in-cheek comment came from a friend who would have liked the caption to be ‘I have other lentils to fry’, an oblique reference to Dal fry. Being a pure vegetarian, he found the post quite fishy. The dichotomy of duty & responsibility serves well to differentiate between avoid and evade. Duty is often the casualty of avoidance, as is evasion of the death of responsibility.
Tarun Kunzru says: “As they say — it's all between the ears! Regarding tax, there is a thin line between avoid and evade. Similarly, there is a thin line between a gift and a bribe. While the action is the same. The intent of the giver and receiver determines its true nature.”
Rita Kapur says: “Interesting as usual…these writings give us an insight and remind us all of our day-to-day behaviour and the techniques that are used to avoid or evade situations that we cannot or do not want to get into…for whatever reasons of our own… in our conscience, we need to ensure as long as it is not deceptive or harmful to others or even ourselves. Sometimes, whether you have another fish to fry or not, for one's protection, we must deflect a situation for our good. Good to think about these things sometimes and self-analyse. Keep encouraging us to be good human beings.”
🎮 Controlling Controls
It is considered very rude to call someone a ‘control freak’ because the word ‘freak’ is often used to describe a person who is strange or creepy. But the conjoint meaning of the two words ‘control’ and ‘freak’ is about a person who has a strange, if not creepy, obsession to take control of a situation or control others. It is said that this expression dates back to the 1960s. I wrote a post on ‘control freaks’. Please read 🔗https://mrprasanna.substack.com/p/filter-coffee-128
The urge to control stems from the desire to have undiluted authority over people, situations or both, betraying autocratic behaviour. The famous phrase ‘It is either my way or the highway’ embodies the control element, though it is used in the context of toeing the line. Does this work in parenting?
Control is manifest in one's behaviour or attitude. Parental control indicates the parent’s desire to prescribe what the child might do and what it may not. This kind of control reigns till such time the child can ask why or why not. Parental control gets gradually circumscribed by the need to give reasons that the child finds good enough to follow the parental dictums. Over time, as the kids grow up, the number of controls and their acceptance by them becomes debatable.
In most of the Indian homes, there are multiple control centres. Maternal control, paternal control, elder-sibling control, and grandparental control play out at different times and for different reasons. The ‘controller’ gives and the ‘controlled’ receives confusing signals. Last evening, I happened to watch a movie on Netflix titled “Shastry Virudh Shastry” (virudh meaning versus). The story is about the conflicting desires of the parents and the grandparents to groom and care for a little boy (guess, 6 years old) which ends up in court. The movie is also about the control the grandfather exercises over his grown-up son. If you don’t have much to do and are in control of your time, you may watch the movie on Netflix.
Parental control may remind you of ‘helicopter parenting’ which essentially is about parental over-protection coupled with a degree of control resulting in an intense child-centric behaviour.
Some attribute this phenomenon to the nuclearisation of families. The mother, more than the father, is the helicopter parent. While maternal concerns are understandable, as the child grows up, it may become conscious of the mother hovering around and begin to experience a certain discomfort or embarrassment. Long ago, I used to drop my niece to school in Bangalore and after a certain age, she would insist that I drop her and push off and not be seen walking her to the gate!
I am tempted to dwell on the independent spirit of the school children in Mumbai. I am talking about the kids from less privileged classes. Rain or shine, they lug their bags, walk to the nearest railway station (they can’t afford the bus fare every day), attend school and return the same way. They are trained to be alert and street-smart. As they grow up, they can deal with any kind of adversity that they may encounter. Their parents, who are typically wage earners, have hardly any time to walk them to the station, let alone get on to that proverbial helicopter.
Children of affluent people studying in elite schools may enjoy a certain amount of protectionism, but their desire to excel in studies remains undiminished. Of course, there are peer pressures which can create tension, but then it can be a lesson in self-preservation by itself. There may be a section of students who may be helicoptered, but that’s part of a transient system.
Overbearing attitude, dominance, and assertiveness can be forms of control. The intensity of that control is measured by the degree of subjugation or subordination it brings about. Not yielding ground to someone who dominates is dependent on the confidence one has to do something differently and effectively. One of the traits of a controller is his insistence that a thing should be done only in a certain way, and he will not countenance disagreement.
During their academic career, children encounter a ‘bully’ who behaves like a control freak, or they may feel ‘excluded’ by certain groups. To prove that they are worthy of being part of that group or make the ‘bully’ benevolent towards them, the children may find themselves doing something which they may not like. In one instance, a boy was excluded because he wouldn’t drink beer or smoke. Exclusion is a form of control, though in a negative sense.
During my school days, we faced none of these problems. But we were disciplined by the parents, the teachers and the ecosystem. Lines were drawn and we dare not cross them.
There was a time to study and time to play. No liberties. If we returned from the playground after 6.30 pm, we were in trouble. In hindsight, I don’t see them as controls. I see them as norms of behaviour and discipline. But I am not sure if the current generation would agree.
Screen time is a big, contentious thing. If, for most of the time, a baby is being fed while it is being distracted by the handphone, it would be a kind of contradiction if it is told later on ‘No watching TV while eating’! Conditioning the minds to certain things under certain circumstances induces a belief that they are the done things. Consequently, trying to change them dramatically will require logical reasoning that appeals to the young mind.
Peer pressure is an inescapable constant phenomenon. It has to be dealt with reasoning and deft handling of a given situation. I know of instances when the school organises an outing, they may call it a study tour, but some parents are unable to afford the related expenses. Some parents make it a control issue and say ‘You are not going’ and others would take them into confidence and explain the financial difficulties they are in, making the ward an ally.
The internet is becoming a master control for all except those not exposed to it. Parents have a tough time controlling internet access. No one can say at what age and why a kid should be given a cell phone, and with what measures to limit access. With the kind of desirable & undesirable content (more of the latter) available on the net and with AI threatening to redefine our lives, are we ceding control or finding ways to be in control of things, or shall I say the Internet of Things? I don’t have an answer. Have you?
In a lighter vein:
What do you tell a conductor when he loses control of his orchestra?
Go Bach and get a Handel on it!
COVID is still around, lurking somewhere. Be in control of yourselves, See you next week. Ciao.
Thanks for your FC so diligently penned despite other lentils to fry (using a benign and suggested aroma to prevent blending and spoiling other people’s taste buds) which is my BC (Bed coffee) which I savour and relish every Sunday morning whilst the rest of the household enjoy their Sunday cold winter morning sleep. It’s a great stimulant to begin the day and week with great gusto and cheer to know and resonate thoughts that there are people of your tribe up with the lark , much more older than thou and much more diligent, determined and hardworking and not to remain in your comfort zone of procrastination, complacency and inertia but to jump out of bed and move out for a breath of fresh air and move the body so used to a sedentary life- style post retirement with excuses galore ! Everything charged within body my BC this new year made some good new year resolutions today ( meant to be followed ) after reading your FC I’ll be less controlling with my grandson and family and give them their space in bringing up their son the way they would like to with advice only when solicited only and retract and divert my attention to things that deserve and prioritise on rather than impose my thoughts so that the home and other environs we encounter can go on everyday in a different style and be successful too with better and improved technology and sit back and enjoy the journey watching through their lenses . It truly will be a relaxed and pleasant journey when we choose not to do backseat driving but let the younger generation take charge of their lives and sit behind their own steering wheels ! Apt and well penned advice to many senior citizens who do not know to draw boundaries .
We all grow up and are never free from controls in one form or the other. It is an essential feature of social living. But the term ‘control freak’ narrows down the scope for discussion and conveys a negative meaning implying undue authority. Imagine my moral science teacher who exercised authority on me to help me grow up to be a good human being. It would have received all round support. The controls would have extended beyond the class when friends under the influence of the teacher kept an eye on you and snitched on you. Parents too extended support to such controls.
Or take for instance the concept of mentoring. The mentor exercising controls was welcome by all concerned. Including the mentee.
The concept of Model Village as conceived by Pratham Mysore was based on the belief that controls extended beyond the classroom and the teacher and became a social responsibility of the community.
Today the social structure has changed where any control or monitoring is considered interference.
The key element missing is communication and love in the heart. In Shashtri Vs Shastri, if only there was communication with ego under control accompanied with the true intent, there was no need for sadness.
If the term control freaks is replaced with the term monitoring for promoting good with love, it communicates an entirely different story with less pain and sadness. Leading to a much saner society and less policing !